After the holidays

Life goes on.  The newspapers come out every day, without end.

*

I was implausibly hoping for some kind of resolution – end of the holidays, something must/will/might change.

But on and on it goes.

The papers are thinner, yeah, but this job is without resolution, without a finishing point.

I would wish for more than a night off – just to fuck off at home, since there is no extra money.

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I usually get paid today, but it’s a "holiday" for the banks, thus no check to cash.  I did buy a full tank of gas on Friday- last of 05, for tax purposes, so I’m good on gas until Thursday or Friday.

The van gets good mileage on the highway – it was a fifty mile trip to the Gorge on Sunday morning, about what my routes rack up daily.  The gas gage in the van hardly moved, whereas fifty miles of paper drops takes almost a quarter tank.  So, I sort of wish I had more freeway driving to do on this job….

What with the brake jobs last week, I may or may not be able to pay all the rent, but maybe if I scrape again this week, I can do it.

***

I was seeing an OD member last year, and she went with me to Les Schwab to get the front end of the van fixed up.  While that was being done, Schwabies said the brake lines on the front of the van were leaking and should be replaced right away – brakes being necessary to stop, ya know.

I was gonna put it off until I could actually afford it myself, but My Friend said she’s loan me the money to get it done.  I refused.  Nothing fucks up a friendship like money.  She insisted, and well, brakes are brakes, so I took the 140 bucks and told her that I was rather poor, but would set aside 5 bucks a week to pay her back – that it would be Christmas before I could give her the cash back.

She last saw me in September and I have heard nearly nothing since from her.  I sent her an email last week asking for an address to send the money to her – figured she wouldn’t want to SEE me, but I have not heard anything back.  Maybe the holidays kept her busy?  Maybe she does not intend to ever communicate with me again?  Maybe maybe maybe- I don’t know.

Meanwhile, I have 140 in cash here in my desk and nearly nothing in my bank account. The Visa is about tapped out (thank god for a low limit- I can pay it) but the van has enough gas, it stops like it should, and there is food in the house.

I don’t know whether to hope I hear from her or not.  I could use the money myself, but I owe it to her to try to get it back to her.

***

Meanwhile, the papers come out every day, days without end.

I am grateful to have a job, an important job, a job that Needs to be done.  Is it enough to have a job like that? 

Yeeeeah, mostly.

But there is still something missing in this life.

There has been and looks like there will be something missing, days without end.

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