how far?

4/23/98:

That was the 1985 Mercury Marquis four-door sedan that I had gotten ten days before, after they cut the roof off to get me out of the wreck.

Severe Traumatic Brain Injury, collapsed lungs, internal damage, the coma…

I KNOW I’ve come very far from that moment. I am alive and not crippled. It very much could be worse.

On the other hand, I haven’t really been able to get too far beyond it. I never wanted to to own the brain damage. And, that could be worse too, but I guess I’ll have to accept that there was some damage that shows in unexpected ways.

I don’t want to talk about it, but there has been some inappropriate actions and reactions  and choices that have kept me down and out in all sorts of ways.

I’ve taken to wearing a rubber band on my left wrist. I’m having a harder time than I want with the death of my cat, in January. "Woulda, shoulda, coulda" thoughts overwhelm me with grief at times, and with 20/20 hindsight, I see what I didn’t see then and coulda, or shoulda, or woulda done this or that and my cat, my beloved pet for almost 12 years, wouldn’t have died.

I try really hard to catch that early and change my thoughts – snapping that rubber band to remind me when the waters close over my head – snap out of it, dummy.

4/23

It’s that time of year again.

I need something other than a rubber band on my wrist right now.

*****