lost for words

Well, I dunno what to write. The site’s down a couple of days and the things I thought I’d write or pictures I’d post wash away like so much sand and there’s nothing left.

Oh, I have composed entries in my mind but haven’t written any of them down.

Why bother.

People will get upset if I write "Fuck you God". which is what I think and feel, but I have to laugh, because ten minutes later, I don’t believe in a god of any kid, good, bad, but maybe maybe an indifferent one.

Certainly seems fucking indifferent, if you ask me.

Except this: I was adopted; the name on my birth certificate is the one I have always known, but I am SURE that there is like, a celestial note somewhere out there that says "Screw NWC" or whatever my name was on the original birth certificate. Hell, it maybe uses the name I always have – that would make it easier for who ever reads it. And they do. This is a pretty sucky life, one which had I been told about before it’s start I would have said Fuck you, YOU live that shitty life, and god damn you too.

But no one ever gave me a choice about it and so I think this is my life, to do with as I please, and it is not pleasing me now and hasn’t for many years.

Why be nice anymore? What has that gotten me but bullshit and lies. I have an appointment with my VocRehab counselor, and I don’t think I’m going to be the nice cat I was before. SSI/D is bull fucking shit. If I was a rich republican they would bend over backwards to help me, but no, I’m poor, and that’s bad enough, but no, I voted democratic in the last couple of elections because the repubs are crazy money loving dickheads. I don’t actually see much difference between the two parties; both of them LOVE money and neither speak for me.

(by the way, if you don’t like it, there’s the door)

On the one hand, you have an all-powerful extortionist – "Love me or I’ll send you to hell" and on the other you have stupid, selfish people of all stripes.

***

I’m thinking that 8 floors isn’t high enough, that I’d live to regret it. Gotta find a taller building; they stole my guns.

Speaking of 8, it is now nearly 8 years I have written here, and in another life, I’d keep it going until February, but Unemployment runs out on the 29th and I’m really fucked then, not half-way fucked like I am now.

I have an excuse ready, even if those pukes in Oregon Disability Determination didn’t buy it: brain damage. If I was a rich Somalian lesbian with three kids, they’d bend over backwards to help me, but I’m a white guy. There is nothing out there to help me, especially with no family help.

Due to that celestial note, no doubt.  "Screw him, he’s not one of US"

***

Well, lost for words. Brain damage does that to you.

 

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