The Darwin Awards

 In case you don’t know it’s an annual honour given to the person who did
 the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
 extraordinarily stupid way.
 
 Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
 toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
 of it.
 
 And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are:
 
 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
 getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
 mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
 ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting
 explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
 
 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
 of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2" tall and
 weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
 white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to
 create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
 mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
 its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
 hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube’s other end
 was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of
 his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances
 of his death to his family very awkward.

 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
 when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
 occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
 crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
 around their ankles.
 
 4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
 straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
 police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
 straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end
 to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
 Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
 was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
 he assembled was greater than the distance between
 the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent
 cause of death was  "Major trauma."
 
 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
 seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
 rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards
 candidate, was hospitalized.
 
 2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
 building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
 After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
 company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
 difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
 lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
 technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
 resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
 object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
 pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,  but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.
 
 AND THE WINNER…..(ouch….)
 
 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
 Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
 managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
 Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
 crank on the machine with Sanchez’s balls in place, thus wedging them
 solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold
 of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
 Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot
 higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his
 balls were the weakest link. Sanchez’s balls ripped open during the
 fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
 in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
 flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
 To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had
 just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
 Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and
 the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
 
 Note: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because
 the idiot didn’t die. 

 
 But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his
 qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
 

It’s one of those fake holidays – very little traffic out there and banks and government employees get the day off, fucking up the rest of us.