Well, nearing the end, I guess

My Visa card went over it’s limit and payment is due right now. I don’t have it. The rent and the car payment are due soon, and I had a plan to pay them – most of the next car payment is in the credit union account now, but Unemployment is only $89 a week and things are extremely tight right now.

Paid the car insurance though, and I’ll get ten dollars worth of gas, which I will put to use right away.

Mom and dad got married in 1960 and received a set of Oneida silverware – it was "the good silverware". I’ve been holding onto it since the mid-80’s, when I got it out of the storage unit my family’s existence had been reduced to.

(everything else in that storage unit is gone)

The pattern is a 1946 pattern, Queen Bess, and looks to be. piece by piece, worth more than nothing.  I’ve had the set all these years and haven’t used it – it’s ‘the good stuff", and was my parents and…

It came to me last week that mom would say, "why haven’t you sold it – you need the money and we’re gone".  I guess I’ve held onto it all these years "just because". 36 years.

One of the jewelry businesses in town runs commercials at night – "sell us your gold and silver".  They also buy sets of silverware, and it’s time to go see what they’ll pay.  I found a place online to replace Oneida silverware, and mine is listed – even forks are $7.99 for replacements, and some of the pieces listed go for 50 – 60 dollars (and I have some of those things).

I held onto it for so long, not even using it, because it was my parent’s – it was kind of sacred or something.  It’s almost the last thing of theirs that I have, besides this desk.  I’m using the desk right now – real wood, no plywood, walnut – it is a nice desk.  It has been in my life my whole 51 years – the last 33 of them I’ve used it.  I sold my dad’s Leica camera years ago – it wasn’t worth what I thought, but I needed the cash in 1997 and sold it.  I guess holding onto "mom’s stuff" was and is important to me, but I’m drowning here and need to do something right away.  I emailed K* about it – she’s been sending me money because $89 a week is just not enough, but I hate being a leech, and will sell the silver if I can.

The Comcast bill is already overdue, and I’d really like to keep my internet access.  Thank god I get food stamps.

*****