Life changing moment!

CW: 100
BMI: 16.1

Past 36 hours I have been all over the place emotionally and so much of my life has changed!  I decided to completely change my major, and therefore change my school.  (Not my college, just one from one discipline to the other).  I’ve been debating it for the past year and after a breakdown yesterday in class, I had decided that I have had it with my communications school and have decided to devote myself to art history.  I didn’t sleep last night.  I just thought about this epiphany over and over.

For the past 5 years I have said that I was going into the film industry and I was accepted early decision to one of the best communication schools and I was set.  I have waited for 2 years for that school to become comfortable, but the day never came.  In fact, I think every class has caused me so much anxiety and is one of the reasons I haven’t been 100% happy at school.  I always found myself clawing at the walls to get to my next class, which would be art history, a subject I just happened upon in freshmen year when I needed a humanities requirement.

So that made me really happy and suddenly a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  My communications school has always made it seem that if you weren’t tough enough to hack it out there, you’d fail at life.  At least from my point of view.  Last night I thought, why did let this bog me down for so long?  I’m not meant for the cut throat world of film.  I LOVE art and learning the history behind it.

So, yea, that was my big life changing moment.

With all the stress from yesterday, all I wanted to do was b/p, but by the time I got home, my roomies were home and it wasn’t an option.  I waited for today.  Twice in the morning and then I went to classes and my nutritionist, came home and b/p 3 more times.

My nutritionist knows I still purge, but I try to look at the positives and point out that I am starting to keep down food down.  When I sit down to eat a planned meal, I keep it down.  Binges are kept separate.  I make sure I eat my meals at the kitchen table.  Binges are kept in the bedroom.

I’ve figured out that I’m keeping down about 700-900 cals a day (about 400 today).  She (the nutritionist) is trying to build me up slowly.  She suggests, why not shoot for 1000 cals a day?  We sort out the differences between what is healthy and what the ED are whispering in my ears.  It’s so difficult!  I slip into ED mode even when I am trying to present the healthy argument.

It’s also hard when I leave her office and she tells me I am underweight and I need to focus on gaining and technically the amount I’m eating isn’t putting fat on me.  Sometimes i can convince myself that I am underweight, but then I step onto the campus and I feel that most girls are thinner than me.  And it’s not a feeling, it’s a fact!

And since we’re on the subject of other thinner girls, has anyone noticed the sudden comeback of spandex pants?!  The style only girls who weight 85 lbs can pull off?  It drives me nuts, especially when it is so hard to convince myself that I deserve to eat.

Then tonight I looked at pics from my family vacation from a couple of weeks ago when I weighed around 103 lbs (?) and compared them to last summer’s when I was around 127.  I look so HUGE in those photos from a year ago.  It’s so hard to imagine that when I left the hospital, that’s the weight they wanted me to get back to.  I was hideous.  You know how some people can have a few extra pounds and be absolutely gorgeous?  I’m not one of them.  I thought I looked a bit better this summer at 103, but when I look in the mirror and see the 100 lb me, I still see too much fat on my body.

Okay…I’ve jabbered on enough for tonight. 

Wishing everyone well!!!
~Rachel