the ED crutch

CW: 101 lbs
BMI: 16.3

Yesterday, I was all over eating wise.

I went out to dinner with my friend. I spent the entire afternoon prepping myself for it. We went to Ruby Tuesday’s and I checked the menu online first and spent hours telling myself that it was ok, that I deserve a one night out to eat with a friend, to focus on the good company and not get bogged down with the food put in front of me and for a while it actually worked.

I was able to handle the fact that the menu had totally changed and WASN’T what was advertised online. (No more smart eating choices!) But I think I did well. I ordered Church street chicken withOUT the bacon and had a servings of broccoli on the side, instead of broccoli and mashed potatoes. The only thing that threw me was a piece of garlic bread that came with it, that wasn’t mentioned in the menu.

I was able to eat it, and enjoy it. (It helped keeping in mind that I had only eaten about 300 cals earlier in the day).

Then I got home. I went to my room and started watching a movie and just every now and then, I’d lean over into my trash can and purge. Little bits, just to not feel full and fat.

Then my friend, who I had dropped off at her place, said she’d want to go with me to a party. I b/p once before the party really quickly just to get the feelings out and we went and had a pretty good time, but I did get upset. My friend is , of course, beautiful and happy with a boyfriend. I am not a pretty person. No matter how thin I get, I will not be considered gorgeous to anyone, but still it made me upset when the guys floated to her at the party where I’M the one who knows people and I suddenly felt like an idiot.

This one guy spent the entire night getting to know her. I told her to be careful and that he liked her. She didn’t believe me. He walked us both home. I felt ashamed. I didn’t want him to walk me home. Trying to be nice to the friend of the girl you like, just to look good. All I wanted at the end of the night, was my binge. I had a crazy binge! (And of course PURGE session)

It’s so frustrating. I want a guy to be into me and tell me I’m worth it. My ED comforts me in moments like this. "boys don’t like you. You’re not pretty or smart enough, but have a binge, purge it, lose a little more weight and it will all be ok." That’s the kind of shit that runs through my head when drinking nights (or any night) goes badly.

~Rachel

BabyCarrot147

September 10, 2006

aww sorry to hear this hun…i do get attention from guys once in a while, but never when i’m around kate…she’s pretty…i’m just idk…brown hair blue eyes so that’s cool, but also that’s about IT heh…i’m also fat now…not that she’s skinny though…meh, food sucks ass…hope the rest of your weekend goes well, <3

aww hun. i am positive you are a very pretty nice girl. guys are just stupid and do not realize that yet. im glad you did well at ruby tuesdays you really shouldn’t b/p. i mean just think about it, if you just eat well and exercise right, you will be healthy and good. trust me, i was anorexic. well i still am recovering. love ya

Cranberryjuice

I´m so sorry darling.Beauty is only a feeling. take care<3

the broken one

ryn: you know, i’m sure you are incredibly beautiful too. and while you may not think you’re thin i know you are. of course it’s not easy for us to believe that, i know you don’t think that about yourself and i sure don’t think that about myself. but i can understand how you can base your self worth on what guys think. even though i have a bf and he tells me i’m beautiful all the time i don’t..

believe it. i’m sure it really hurts his feelings when i say that. and it makes me feel crappy cause i never get hit on by other guys so that makes me feel ugly…anyway, this was a long note. i just wanted to let you know that i know how you feel. *hugs* and much love. you are a wonderful person, i hope you know that. take care!!

ღJasper-Eyesღ

HUGS

*WiKiD*PyNk*

darlin=we never met and i can tell u right now that ur better than that-i used to be in ur mentality-its cause im big this and that-well u wanna know what?? i stopped caring that i was 6’2 and 200lbs and i started focusing on making myself feel better-the weight came off easier i felt better and i snatched a man for myself people like different things i betcha a million bucks sum1 is out there 4 u

faithfully

-hugs- You’re alright babe… it was one bad night, and I’m sorry for it… but you just start again fresh the next day… that’s all you can do. 🙂

Anna's Song

I know the feeling of feeling like no guy who is worth ne thing is ever going to like you….and i know it sounds predictable but there IS someone out there who will fall in love with u and it doesnt matter if it takes 10 years for it to happen cos the feeling of being totally loved and worshipped by one person is amazing…its worth the wait.

Just remember that guys act like stupid teenagers until they hit around 25!!!! In the meantime, you should concentrate on fighting this ED and learning to love yourself. Hope everything gets better. *Hugs*

bijoux3788

I bet you are beutiful too! I find it is confeidence which attracks people, Hang in there

*needanaback*

i do the same thing when i’m invited to go out and eat with people. i do as much research as possible and try to plan out my order before even stepping into the restaurant. luckily though..the restaurants i’ve went to has the same menu options as they did online. take care gurl