Dreams in the key of loneliness

I am so much more broken and so much more whole than I was last time I was connected to community; but I feel like I wasn’t connected, I wasn’t myself, I was too afraid to be vulnerable and now everything has changed and I have nothing to lose. I’m not chasing waterfalls anymore. I’ll let them find me or nothing at all. I’ll stick to writing self-effacing emo songs and then I’ll be cool or if not I still get to write self-effacing emo songs. When I am in a safe nurturing space and feel a little bit of validation of being loved I ferl like I am more capable of being a leader, more capable of knowing what I want and expressing it, more capable of dealing woth the ups and downs of life, than ever before, which is strange for me to say because right now I don’t even know who I am at all. I don’t know how to put the pieces together, of anything that has happened to, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I know I want to meet and gather with people in intentional and purposeful ways and let love rise on its own.

Oh, last night I dreamed of this… Lily… for the first time in ages. There was a class and I lost my notebook which was how the teacher was supposed to measure progress at the end of the term. I told someone in the class, someone I knew from school that kind of energetically reminds me of both Mike and Peter maybe, that I had three crushes in this class. And then there was Lily and how then could I think of anyone else? We went around a circle and shared something or other amd Lily was kind of facilitating the meeting. When it came to be my turn I put my head down in shyness and tears fell from my eyes… and for the first time maybe waking up after dreaming of Lily made me feel totally hopeless, like what was the point of living, what has my life been about anyway?

I wrote a few days ago about having these incredibly depressing dreams. There were two terribly depressing suicides that all but looked like I had caused them and I knew they were not my fault but even so there was something inside of me that felt more trapped in guilt than I would have been if I had… though on that same night I had a strange almost good but still kind of tough around the edges dream about getting into an airplane and being handed the controls right off the bat. It was like an engine craft with tbe controls of a glider. We didn’t even have to use a runway, lifted off immediately like a helicopter, and then the controls were like this remote control that the pilot put in my hands. I had such a hard time judging my altitude and the position of the plane with relation to the horizon and a lot of times I flew pretty low but I was never afraid of crashing somehow. Then I think I was taxiing the plane through this shopping mall of sorts and hoping mot to hit anyone…

Oh, a few nights before that, there was a dream that I had gone to France, or I think it was France, it could be Belgium too, and just noticing all the storefronts which had this distinctly European quality. Someone was talking about visiting family there. I don’t know why I was there but I felt do lonely and sad like I might never get to travel again. There have been a lot of dreams of being around people but completely separated and disconnected from them.

I spent hours today meditating on my broken heart and it takes everything to get myself out of bed sometimes. It feels like I am never going to even be able to move again, like I am just sinking into eternal despair, and then I will myself to get up, shower, maybe make a meal, and I feel like I can make it a little longer, but the fear of never inraveling the confusion in my heart is so real.

I started going to these groups which, along with steps of recovery, offer promises, and among those promises is that miracles will happen. Miracles have already happened though: who would have thought I would have found my way out of that shelter with such generosity and caring (and I’m not sure at all I will live up to the expectations of me but at least so far things are good and my next project is reading and reviewing a book about the big bang and origin of the iuniverse and physics for $15 an hour and who would have thought that could happen? Now the miracle of emotional healing and rediscovering myself hopefully begins… maybe through self-effacing emo songs. I’m not going to figure it out without writing songs. That is one of my top top line thingys for self care, and I know that, so I guess maybe I know myself a little bit…

Folks were talking about having a Get to Know Me Day which when I talk about it sounds kind of narcissistic but really it is frightening because I don’t know who I am anymore… and yet if I tried to write a little about who I am, and keep it simple, maybe I know better than I think I do. But I want to start doing more healing writing about where I’ve been and what has happened to me and what it all means, writing is another top line thingy. They talk about top and bottom line things in these 12 step programs but I cannot think of the proper word for thingy… it may be way too soon to think about making it a big project but I am thinking about writing bits and pieces of a spiritual autobiography with hopes of figuring something out about who I am these days.