Inner child…

Today I feel so humbly ready for God to remove all defects of my character. I feel those defects so ardently today. There are ever so many and there is nothing like feeling removed from all material support and safety in the world to bring those fears and defects out of me so I can see them clearly in the light of day.

Ardently feels like the wrong word but it feels like the right word. I choose to believe I am a being worthy of God’s unfathomable love. Nothing is more whole than a broken heart and reality is groundless but that groundlessness I was reminded today is God’s infinite love. I want to believe in it, to have faith that I have more faith than I know, as others have suggested. I am in a place where it feels like my every shortcoming is magnified, both in my own sense of guilt, and in my conditional worthiness in the eyes of others. It is such a hard place to be…

I want for whatever time I have left to love my inner child with everything I have in me to love her with and loving her means doing the scariest thing that I am pretty sure will kill me: feel the sadness, the infinite sadness about the things and people that I cannot change, and having the courage and wisdom to change myself or to ask God to remove my shortcomings and change me.

Today I feel my feelings of sadness and fear and they are deeper than I have ever dared to imagine them being; I am in the belly of the whale and I have such a hard tine imagining my way out.

Just for this moment, just for today trust. I will trust in my sadness. I will trust in my heartbreak. What I know is I cannot argue with reality and what my inner child has never felt safe feeling is sadness. I know sadness is the vulnerability that the world will want to take advantage of, that it would love to rip me apart in the midst of my sadness, and there is mothing for that but to feel more and more sad until it reaches the infinite depths of the world’s sadness that in this moment I can only call terrifying sacredness.

I was triggered by communication with my ‘mother’ today. Not just triggered: I fought with what is, tried again to get her to prove she does love me, a lossing game, and I even asked her to come see me hoping beyond hope that we could talk and maybe something has changed, maybe we can work something out, but my intuition screams that I cannot trust it, I cannot be pulled in by it, and yet my inner child is so sad and scared because I don’t have a mother who cares to be real with me though she will pretend she wants to lobg enough to draw me in and I already feel miserable as a result of my weakness in reaching out and choosing to see if a real conversation might be had again. But I realised I cannot talk to her without being angry; because I can’t be sad and I know my sadness is what she wants to rip apart.

She drew me in and made me long to hope that things could be different and that she really did love me unconditionally and want me to be part of her future, that she still had dreams of being a part of a real loving family with me, and I was a sucker for that stuff, and tried too hard to get her to understand the ways she hurt me, forgetting what I already knew so well: she will not admit the ways she hurt me, that any of it even happened, and she is still very subtly saying everything she knows will trigger my deepest pain and sadness while saying she is trying to be kind and love me. She rips me apart when I express sadness, and my intuition knows somehow she wants to create sadness in me and to rio my heart apart in that sadness. I need to cut contact. I don’t know how I will be strong, it is the most terrifying thibg I know, not engaging, but I know even if she were, and she is not, in a place to relate in a real way with me, to care about my well-being, I cannot speak to her without feeling angry which is my heart guarding against the sadness I feel that has always been dangerous to feel as long as she has power over me and today confirmed for me once again that I am powerless.

there is no way to cry in front of her if I don’t want to be ripped apart even more, yet today she said my pain cones across as anger rather than sadness and it is hard to express kindness to me if she can’t see that I am sad; but it is my sadness I realize that she wants to exploit and I think maybe my fate is to be nothing but sad, sad, sad, but it is better than being angry at the way things are. I can’t change her. Feelings of hope were so quickly followed by feelings of incredibly deep emptiness.

I humbly ask for forgiveness today. I want to be and feel like a good person. I cannot do that with her and that family in my life as much as I would love to change the way things are. My heart feels so used, so torn apart and unfairly broken, and the truth arose in me that this is the truth of it. She said last night her prayer was that we could live in harmony as a family and I guess I will never stop praying for that myself but right mow there are way too many issues and it just became clear to me that as wonderful as it was to hope for these things for a short while something is not right; my intuition and radar went off and I realised nothing had changed and probably nothing can change which breaks my heart more than I can ever express to anyone.

My intuition says so strongly that she and that ‘family’ want the absolute worst for me and all communication is meant to ultimately hurt me; it has already been incredibly unsafe for me, and there are bigger things to worry about but when I am in communication with her I am still powerless over the tiniest triggers; I still want to make her see how she hurts me and respond in a way so that I inow she cares.

I cannot keep my composure. I want to fight with what my heart knows is the truth. She called me right as I was heading to a movie and I lied about what movie I was going to because I didn’t trust her and… oh, it was a sacred experience for me, I should have held it in sacredness, instead of reactivg impulsively to my triggers which happens when I get back in contact, I feel like a horrible person when we are in contact, and I am so sad that I want everyone at that theatre to enjoy their experience but they heard me outside trying to have a futile argument with my ‘mother’. And then I know I shouldn’t and it is against the rules and I felt terrible I checked my phone for messages from her during the movie to see when she might be able to come talk in person. I gave up on that in desolate terror before we agreed on a time and I blocked her again. I just wanted to hope one more tine that things between us could be okay but no if I am going to see her I need to have felt all my heartbreak first and loved my inner child which I know is the last thing I can do when we are in contact. I know I won’t survive if I stay in contact, but no longer denying the truth and realising that I don’t know if I will survive without contact is along with all my other feelings of late like the hardest thing I’ve ever felt… and there may be no way but I realise I have to feel tbe sadness, let the sadness be sadness and the pain be pain.

I pretty quickly felt this extreme emptiness and knowing that things with her would not be okay and I need to be in control of the only one I can control, me. I walked out if the movie, tried to call her, knew right away I had made a mistake getting back in contact, walked back to the movie, told myself I have to go again. Even if and no matter what. I’m a fool and when she tells me things didn’t happen even when I know they did I… ‘trust’ her perceptions over my own because I always wanted more than anything for things to be okay and that hope was stirred up in me again at the worst time when I wanted to keep an experience sacred though I feel like the most irreverent person on earth.

Afterwards I was able to feel my sadness and surrender to it in ways I had not been able to before; I don’t know if anything will ever be okay but I was able to transmute anxiety into sadness and I was able when I arrived back here to meditate, to feel my body, in ways I had not been able to do in so many months. I want to see the movie again after I pray and get into a sacred space because as much as she may be destined to hurt to the ends of the earth my inner child deserves to feel her feelings and everything I need to feel is in this movie. I am not going to protect my feelings nner child from feeling her sadness anymore; and somehow I feel the dichotomy of no hope and yet hope in how deep a heart can break and how beautiful the world can be and even though I feel such emptiness that my intuitions about my family are likely correct and even though I have most likely lost the best thing that ever happened to me right now the only thing for feeling sad is to let my sadness be, to let my inner child feel how she feels about what she is experiencing; to have faith in the seed of God and the potential of God in all people. To pray that God might remove my shortcomings and that the sun might still cone out for me some day. Right now life is hard; it has been tbe hardest and most trying experience of my entire life, and I pray that all beings be happy, healthy, safe, and at peace. I am so sorry I have disappointed people I love with my infinite shortcomings. I realised today I have gotten too used to my environment and it dawned on me that as much as I want to attend these groups and as helpful as they are I am just not in a private enough space to participate at all. I feel horrible for connecting to these meetings in places that are less than private; please forgive me, I realise my mistake, and as beautiful as it has been to feel the support, I promise to only connect when I ak in a private space.

I try, I try, I really try so, so hard… I am so very sorry for so very much, and I can only hold my inner child in her sadness and fear in this groundless moment; I would not have gotten into this drama with my own heart and on tbe phone with this person I feel so unsafe talking to if my inner child did not feel so hurt and want so mych to reach out, my not having build a safe place for her yet. I just don’t know whether to tell her about God’s boundless love, I don’t know if I want her to hope and dream; she is so precious and I don’t want her to hurt but I inow if she feels it she will…