Love is vegan, vegan is love

Today started with me feeling really kind of despairing but my host let me sleep late (he often wants to discuss something or otger around 7 or 8 or so) and at a ceetain point I decided to get up and take a shower and… called dmy mother to see if she wanted to get together again today. I had a couple things I wanted to run by her and I feel a lot more comfortable talking in person away from that house than trying to talk to her on the phone especially when she is there. I just… had a good experience, more or less. when we went out to eat, but a few things teiggered me into having horrible scary dreams about her and… I guess I am feeling things out, trying to decypher what is goibg on, and last night went more or less well except a monent where she acted strange and not okay when I mentioned bringing the dog here, and when she crossed what was to me a boundary by mentioning she heard me praying to God about being concerned about hurting myself ‘or someone else’ which… has nothing to do with why she should have been concerned about me or her lack of justification  for making that 911 call, it felt like she said it only to hurt me, but more than that, I would have never said I was scared of hurting someone else, at least in that sense, because I have never felt that way. I was strictly self-injurious though I was afraid her implication might have been that whether I meant to or not I *did* inadvertently hurt someone else that I cared about and she didn’t care at all. I worried maybe she was reading my posrs and trying to subtly trigger me, but I don’t know, and the meal did go pretty well…

Today I started this project of preparing a gate to the backyard for a dog named Thor that my host often takes care of; I was scared to start doibg physical probects but he has been so kibd and relaxed and non-judgmental about it. I scoped out a couple places that weren’t rocky to insert a couple of wooden posts about 3 feet apart ans then used a hole digging tool to dig aboyt two feet. He was really happy with my work, said he was an experimentalist compared to me, and paid me $30 cash for what did not feel like 2 hours of work. I also told him I felt on the edge if a shoulder injury but what I was doing was fine and he was really caring and concerned about my stopping before it gets worse and not exacerbating it.

When I got here he introduced me to all the things he might have me do which felt kind of overwhelming all at once but now that I know him a little better I am feeling more and more comfortable with it. First getting here from tbe shelter kind if felt like when I started my natural building internship and immediately after taking a Greyhound to Michigan from Massachusetts I was expected to shovel some really heavy stuff without sleep. I didn’t try to put up boundaries or say I was too tired, I just thought they’d let me rest after that kibd of a bus ride, and I didn’t want to displease anyone in my first day. It felt overwhelming like that just how he quickly described all the projects he might have me do all at once immediately upon arrival. The way he works with me and cones up with various different kinds of things I could help him with that he could pay me for does feel a lot like doing projects in my natural building internship. I miss that stuff a lot and wonder if I will ever get to do natural building again.

I have been reading a really helpful book on healing the inner child within and some of the concepts are really helpful. One is &attunement’ which I think should ve a focus of mine: it is about being in the right place, I guess: an introvert heing around lots if extroverts night not fit in that well and their way of being is probably perfectly lovely but doesn’t fit with everyone else so it comes out feeling like you’re all wrong or an ugly duckling. But when you are with people whose energy matches yours everything changes and it works like magic. This is good for me to think about: I am a bubbly introvert, I like to chill out and listen to music and read and cuddle with dogs and with people like they are dogs, just finding that safe space where cuddling happens without reservations like it does when you’re cuddling dogs, and play guitar and meditate and go on long wandering car rides (and bike rides and canoe rides), and mindfully make cegan food, have interesting conversations about learning things and changing the world and everything, but I like being quiet yet energetically expansive, not needing to say much but maybe moving ir feeling inside of myself like a sort of sprightly faery. I feel like if I met a certain kind of faery they might be attuned to my way of being I’d adore their energy especially if they liked being around mine and we could be spontaneously exhuberant ir creative or affectionate  and… I just want to be with people who are attuned to me and then I think what happens will naturally happen and if I really like someone I realised why do you have to call it dating? I don’t want to date, i want to be with people I’m naturally attuned to who want to be with me. That sounds potentially more romantic anyway!

If I’m attuned to someone like that I just want to be with them. I son’t need to ‘date’ anyone, though I do want the level if intinacy that seems to go with that; I just want to find someone with similar attunement who wants to be with me, to share physical and energetic space and enjoy each other’s company. It is so much easier to think about that, as the relationship anarchist than I am, than to think if ehat dating even means; just so eone to be with and grow really organically with even just for a little while where we can be real and authentic and enjoy each other’s energies. When I think about it in terms if attubement I don’t see why it has to be so hard though the idea of dating feels impossible! AnywY, my host was talking about today’s culture of drama and argument and psychological aggression and selfishness and how different that is from tbe flower child archetype of old. I said I never got to experience that; he kindly said he hoped I’d have a sort if flower child experienxe here. I want to meet an inteoverted but aprightly fae gothic flower child who likes to read and make music and immerse themselves in creative activities and tge inner world of imagination. Just thinking about the sort of oeople I can most easily be myself with: I am rarely around people I am naturally attuned to and so my life force gets zapped, but when I am I think we both nurture each other and it feels really good and like out of this space of getting to be naturally myself and understood by someone else all sorts of possibilities emerge out of that shared aliveness.

My mother and I went to Loving Hut tonight and we both enjoyed the food. I feel like I maybe trust her a bit more but I am still so unclear what is going in and need to put up boundaries!!! We both really enjoyed tbe food; I don’t remember what she had but for me it was the won ton soup and a delicious appetizer sampler. I got the free book they had on tbe table which is about how veganism is love and I am really really inspired by that idea. Veganism inspires me to love, love inspires my veganism. Veganism helps me remember what it means to love and how to be loving. Veganism makes my intentions to love more powerful. Love is veganism, veganism is love. I love that way if thinking about it. World peace isn’t possible without vegan. When I can’t eat vegan I feel thrown off course as far as my connection to the loving intentions in my heart too so all this makes so much sense. Oooh I cannot wait till I have a space where I can play endlessly with vegan food, there are just infinute things to do… ways to create and share and have fun.