Love languages…

Tomorrow I guess is a first chance to make amends to someone I said I eventually did want to find a way to make amends to; taking it one step at a time, my intuition is okay right now with taking these steps forward and seeing what might be resolved. I do not know if my existential questions about life will begin to get clearer but it is a start.

Sharing perspectives is important and I think I have needed that for a long time. In this context the word ‘perspective’ makes me think of the idea of shape, like what does the shape of our relating to each other and perceptions of each other look and feel like right now? In these and so many cases I do not know but having an opportunity for others to share their perspective on me, and for me to offer my perspective in return, I hope to sense an amorphous confusing blob shifting into some kind of more understandable and graspable shape, through the sharing and holding of perspectives. Then. ahh, I can see better what is happening here, and I can work with it.

I do not know at all what to expect, what emotions will come up as I do this, what is really deepest in my heart to share. I am in a place where it just doesn’t feel worth trying anything and I do need encouragement to believe it is not futile to put my life force into livibg tbe best life I can possibly live feom now on; I have no idea if there is a way to get my life force back and I do not know, when we can go through such difficult times without any support behind us that we can reach out and call or trust, when the universe gives us way more than we can handle and not enough folks to stay around long enough to share stories, is the process of life still trustworthy? What happens when you trust the process of your life and are failed by that process? It is something I want to find out: can I ever find a way back into trusting the process of life again, or is it, as my detractors would want me to believe, over for me in every way such that it is not even worth it to try? So much inside of me has been so messed up. So much would be healed in encountering a place that feels closer and closer to Home. An idea that is lonely like the centre of a black hole right now and will I ever be able to trust the process enough to have faith that finding a Home like that or one who is as much of a lover as me who I can actually share my gifts with without regret and where like ve real love just feels so good that is all.

If I have been taken advantage of and irreparably wounded by those who always meant to cause me harm in the first place is there a chance for me and is anyone anyone anyone ever going to see the makings of a king in me? I mean that in a playful Lion King Nala sort of way but I have been made to doubt myself and to feel shame for every action and I have made such wrong decisions in response to terror that I cannot see how I can ever recover from my shame to sing that song lightly and joyfully again trusting that I am worthy of being a steward to something beautiful. But if there ever were someone who might still see that in me, it would make me smile. I’ve gotten so many of this crap out of me, and if I can start to get the C-PTSD under control, I feel ready to connect intimately with others in a way I have not been in a long, long time. I just need to find them, find space to share, figure my precarious life out a little bit. I want to understand myself better through relating to another; opening to appreciating another that we both agree to let into each other’s lives. Who am I when I am with you and what can I learn about myself from this connection?

I don’t know if I am ever going to trust that without experiencing intimacy with others like never before and so much of what blocked me before is so easy now but suddenly there are reams of other obstables in the way and I don’t know how soon ir ever I’ll be able to clear them out. Can someone be intimate with me even with C-PTSD, ADD, and autism, even with my heartbreak and pain (and it feels so connecting to share intimately about that but a lot of folks maybe don’t want to hear about others you’ve loved and dated). I just want to find someone who is open to deep exploration that I guess it might feel safer to them to call dating though for me it’s just kind of the way I want any friendship to feel: affectionate, caring, deeply present and there for each other’s needs. I would date someone who does not talk and just gets a joy out of meditation; with body language so much can be conveyed; words of affirmation are much less important if body movement and body languages and physical expression express love wnd support in silence, and I think people who can express love through silent affection like that are beautiful. Intimate touch can only happen in a period of quality time, though, and I kind of cannot separate quality time from affection and touch as far as my primary love languages. I want the time we spent together to mutually feel special and I want to cuddle and connect physically in a present sacred space and container. Cuddling has to be quality time and maybe it helps to learn to cultivate quality time in other ways, first. I used to be really big on cuddling, then I realised I wasn’t often happy with it with most people I tried to cuddle with because it was so precarious, the cuddle could end at any time and you might not ever find out how the other is enjoying it. Clear communication wasn’t really there and I like feeling that I am contributing to someone with a cuddle, not taking or making someone awkward because they don’t really want to do it. I want to express my love through touch (and affection through body language and energy when touch isn’t happening) and throufh quality time and I like love to be expressed to me in these ways too. If I can make a big difference for someone by paying extended quality attention to them or sharing quality time with them, or by offering nurturing touch or affection, these are primary ways I both give and receive love, so it’d be nice to find someone who wants something I am most capable of offering and that makes me happiest to offer.

I do not think gifts are so much a part of my love languages in a traditional sense but the gift of writing and sharing journal entries with me on perspectives of days we spent together is precious, as is the gift of having my own diary received with love; little gifts like surprise invitations to go on adventures, or showing me some art they have nbeen working on, or leaving little kind things around that make me feel loved, these make me happy.

I know the most therapeutic thing for me would be to camp out with someone or someones who are the right kind of match and then just let out everything in our hearts at a campfire all night with no judgment just to get to know each otber and just being held in love. If I could share myself deeply with another, who might accept and understand my so often misdiagnosed C-PTSD and my high sensitivity and the priority I have which I have so far utterly failed at as far as prioritising the realization and pleasure and peace and groundedness of my nervous system.

I do think prioritizing the nervous system’s needs can be a fun endeavour and for me having someone to be with me and play with me in that quest would be everything. Maybe there is someone else out there where there is a compatibility to helping each other sooth our nervous systems together. In the past it has so often been my beevous system messed up in a relationship but no conversation about it or awareness of what I might need and perhaps I was so high maintenance I put a toll on their nervous system too but I want to do it in another way. I want to find someone I can talk to and we’re on similar pages about things so our conversations help me rest into feeling more secure overall: someone who might talk about all these things, nervous system soothing and feeling secure in our connection with others and in the material support in our lives. I want to have sweet hopeful conversations about finding more support out there among friends and within ourselves and on how to maximise joy and happiness in our lives or whatever we want… but I want to have conversations that do not put pressure on either of us to change ourselves or the other. I want a real loving attentive connection with another who is a good listener and where we can give each other hope for the future by just getting to talk with each other and support each other, avoiding as much as possible the drama that comes from insecure attachment and needing to believe you are loved and then getting into such painful fights because someone or both of you don’t feel loved. I want to have conversations about making life better for both of us that aren’t necessarily about making changes in the relationship but are about each if us caring for each other as individuals.

It is not just working on a relationship that is important and for me that has gotten way too myopic or something, like struggling to change each other in ways we can’t be changed, but I want to be a life coach for my lover, I guess, help them take steps forward into greater happiness that is not defined by me. I want to be with someone I am happy with but I would love if we could both prioritise each other’s individual happiness, too, somehow. I want to see what happens when I spend a month with someone I really like having fun and playing games and watching movies and reading books and having campfires and seeing what happens when we go deep with each other. It could be a month-long getting to know you vacation and then if it does not work out we can go our separate ways and hopefully though there might be heartbreak we have contributed to each other something precious and I’ll have figured something about life out, some new clarity might emerge about my life. I don’t want to wait till I have life all together to try; I want to commit to getting to know a person so beautifully and deeply without attachment to where it might go, valuing the experiences of deeper sharing and connection and intimacy in their own right.

I want someone compatible who likes the idea of sleeping in the same bed as me. Not necessarily all the time (this has been an ovstacle to my independence at times) but I would love sharing a sleepng space with someone I am there for and who is there for me to feel cozy and right and good.

That is not an indication of level of commitment but sharing a bed is an activity that for me increases a sense of connection and trust and intimacy and when it feels good for both of us it’s really, really nice. I have just always, always tried to do it ‘right’ which has always led to being alone, and I don’t want to mess up like that anymore.

I want to give someone a chance to get to know me, someone who might be graced in some way by my presence, and who might inspire me (just caring enough about me to truly want to hear my stories and get curiouser and curiouser about who I am is so inspiring in itself). I’m not going to hold back on expressing what I want; and right now I wish my life were in the same kind of flow I had when I was in Mexico, and that I might find someone to make some time to flow with me. I want to hear someone say, i like you, I want to get to know you better. I have time for that. Let’s be clear about needs and boundaries and make quality time for each other, be in affectionate space with each other, energetically and in experiences of loving touch. (Sharing affectionately brings so much to conversation too.) I think my other love language though is melting our minds and hearts and souls together through collaborating on some kind of creative projects. If we are working in tbe stuff and enjoying it and getting along that feels like security to me and like our connection already has a purpose. I want to create and grow things with people I love… it used to feel really easy to just tell the universe, I am ready for someone to cone into my life, and something miraculous will happen, though maybe it turns out I was not ready: I had not addressed the deepest horrors in my soul, which now I have begun to do… and I had not addressed my fears of connection, my fears of abandonment, of being sabotaged by folks I wished eould have loved me, and all the ways I sabotage mysrlf ehen I am terrified out of my mind. I do not feel physically stable but I feel ready to call someone into my life who can grow with me for a while in a way that significantly decreases my isolation from others. I just do not want to make any decisions too soon about what anything means, I just want someone I really like and who likes me around, and that should be enough.

Tamago

by Forests

nevermind let’s go get coffee
well you and i are quite aware
you’re quite the catch
you’re so cute i want to
punch your stupid face
can we lie in bed all day

i hate nightmares
but you’re my favorite one
let’s make out to shoegaze
until we fall asleep

i wish you’re just like the rest
so i can find another you
fuck these songs from the midwest

staying up all night yeah
fucking up other lives
in your spare time

you asked if i love you?
i said 1 2 3 4ever
fuck you!
that’s what she said

i fell in love once or twice
i don’t want to fall in love with anyone anymore
so i keep my nerves in check
while i’m half dreaming of you

you asked if i love you?
i said 1 2 3 4ever
fuck you!
that’s what she said

…..

The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along.

Rumi