Mirkwood

I just got back from meeting. I kind of sort of wish I had just slept in all day. Business meeting, too, my first time attending one if those, which took another couple of hours. My back was sore, someone fave me validation that it can take a really long time to recover from COVID-19 but I think it is more heartbreak and depression and something else besides. I decided today is a sick day for whatever reason and I am going to try to rest, to hope something of the enormity of the concerns of my heart will resolve themselves with a little rest, which is unlikely, but it is a nice pipe dream. When I wake up I have a natural inclination at least of late to feel goid about the day but these days I wake up and my heart is full of things I don’t think I can handle. I’m wondering if what is real can be snatched out if your heart and what happens if someone’s heart and your own are so connected and that connection is thwarted? What happens to your heart, does it hurt forever, can it survive? Of course nobody wants love to happen and they will all sabotage it if you don’t sabotage it yourself. I should have planted my love as the most precious delicate seed but I let it blow away. It could be the end of the road as far as following my heart and having faith that that can go anywhere good. I trust, as far as it goes, the folks I have been connecting to lately, but folks from my old life, and the folks I tried to meet with on Friday to resolve interpersonal issues, i just don’t know. Sould they hurt me intentionally to protect their organisation or themselves or take revenge but make surface statements that I am loved and that I deserve love? I don’t know. There have been no signs that my concerns have been heard and acknowledged and I feel like I was kind of made to feel bad when they brought up theirs. Now, my commitment is to loving whenever I can do that, but who would claim to love me and be trustworthy but actually delight in hurting my feelings or breaking my heart? What if so ething beautiful that could have been will never be and your heart is so confused and doesn’t know who meant to deceive you but it was certainly someone and only deep in my heart can I know what is real but what if they broke something real… can you break something real? … and ehat if all they want to do is rub it in and hurt me, whereas others will outright coaim to love me while full well knowing that somehow or other they have taken my heart away from something real? The level of deception I sense, which I full well allowed to happen because I was too naïve to expect deception, is enormous. I don’t know how to move forward, if there is even a way, snd perhaps my detractors wanted to mess up my heart so mych that I’ll never find my way out of this one. My own disappointment if myself coupled with the impure intentions and deception of others sonetimes while still claiming to love me… how will I find out what my heart is supposed to feel about anything? How do I make my heart resilient to all this caring which is way too kuch and way too exhausting? Will I ever at least know if I destroyed something real and how am I supposed to live with myself if that is the case? What am I supposed to believe in; what does your heart do when… it hurts so much and can’t even begin to explain why and you can’t give up on that realness but nothing around you feels real anymore? How do I stop my heart from feeling permanently messed with, how do I get my heart to understand what is really going in so it can make sense if ut all, and break, rather than being wrapoed up in torment and feeling the whole world so capable of the kind of betrayal and deception that could destroy my heart and soul? And then what kind if support do I have to find myself again, to heartglow again, can it ever happen or have I been had in the worst way and there is no ebergy left for anything but to wither and die? How will my heart recognise what is still real? How will my heart deal with the possibility of destroying what was real and beautiful with my own two hands? Being complicit in the murder if my own heart and soul, not knowing who might have played a role in irchestrating it, never having sp heart-to-heart, never quite knowing if I was a fool to think there was anything there to begin with, just breaking terribly and unable to comprehend anymore what my life is for, if I can be so tragically deceived with such joyful alacrity, and if I let myself so tragically throw away what will never stop being real and beautiful to me… but broken… did I break something, did something break, can I ever stop blaming myself, will I ever feel peace, like sll is where it is meant to be, and it doesn’t have to make sense, but it’s like being just about to finally toss the One Ring into the pit of Mount Doom and seeing it fly away of its own volution or controlled by other forces and land somewhere in Mirkwood instead… and when something like that happens, how can you go back to the Shire, who can understand, how can anything comfort you anymore?