More fear

The climate change demonstration in Connecticut went well today. I don’t know if it was intentional but we mixed with some peace demonstrators and it feels like a really good fit. It would be nice to do plant-based eating demonstrations but it almost makes me laugh at how impracticle that would be and we wouldn’t get nearly as many honks from cars. Too many vegan and plant-based eating signs at a climate change rally which would detract from the main message. Agriculture is a huge cause of carbon emissions and vegetarianism and veganism help for sure but I think getting people excited about climate change and getting people pumped about climate change are two highly connected but different things. If I teach people or get people excited about plant-based eating that makes a difference as far as the climate though. Peace advocacy makes a difference in terms of clinate. Commitment to loving makes a difference. As one of the signs we held today said: system change, not climate change. Thinking about how to end climate change alone without the concept of system change at all levels can be incredibly depressing but thinking about how we can change systems so they can work better for all of us excites me. I was thinking about going to the March Against Fossil Fuels in New York City next weekend if I can figure out the lovistics of it.

I did a body scan meditation on listening to wounded and self-injurious parts today and I felt a lot more relaxed and even slightly melty. It was scary to have that dialogue and some of the things these parts need are safety, sanctuary for my heart, to feel held and supportive, and despite the fact that finding the strategies to meet these needs is hard right now, just naming it helped, like a sort of self-intimacy happening. The idea of finding sanctuary for my heart might normally freak me out and get me anxious but somehow when these needs came as expressions from the wounded parts it relaxed them. I think it was helpful to connect in particular with the parts that still feel self-injurious of self-sabotaging.

I don’t want to talk about depression. I feel horrible in a lot of ways but I am not ready to admit to depression yet. I feel like the C-PTSD experience is kind of the core of it all and it is the key to what I need to be understood and respected about me in healing environments but lately these hospitals just hit all my worst triggers all at once and wreak hovoc on the thing that most needs healing: I get provoked and triggered and manipulated and honestly I had no hope of getting help as far as the cause of my concern and self-injury at either if these hospitals. Whatever people in these places (and I later found out the past two hospitals were hoffifyingly two floors of the same atrocious hospital. My mother tells me this like it is common inowledge to her, *after* hearing me try so hard to talk about my horrible experience in these hospitals as though they were two different ones for a really long time. The person who had something huge against me worked at both of them but I wasn’t quite as afraid of her at the last one… still it was clear the goal of the whole operation was to take my soul and destroy my life in some way or another. That is clear. What forces come together that eould want to do that to me, I have no idea, and some degree of paranoia here is *not* pathological and should not be treated with oppression, but then again none of our mental health experiences should be: we all deserve freedom, but thise hospitals that could have just been capable of treating my C-PTSD gave me the exact opposite of that and I don’t inow what I am andmore ir what they took from me and if I can trust anyone again and be anything at all. I did not go into those hospitals with psychosis; some care and listening snd honouring my C-PTSD rather than triggering me around abuse would have made a world of difference but the triggering and abusive treatment of me in these hospitals increasingly made me feel paychotic…. or whatever it was… so kuch toxicity had been put in me and I had to find a way to let it out, but I had to hide everything about me and they fed me warped stories about what was actually going on there and nothing that happened in those hospitals reflects me, yet how will anyone ever see what really is me and really reflects me, when it feels like those hospitals took everything I am and turned it into a lie even I can’t help feeling ashamed and defeat d by. Their framing of me was a lie; probably with so much collaboration with people who are most closely related to my abuse, and all of this terrifies me oyt of my mind.

Those hospitals ‘treated’ me with everything that was absolutely terrible for me and of paranoia right now would not be at all illogical or out of place. Knowing who I can trust and how I can trust them and figuring out the effect these hospitals have had and may well still have in destroying my life… will I ever get clarity, who would even talk to me about it and take me seriously to begin with, nevermind explaining all the horrible ways they set me up to feel bad about myself for the rest of my life and paranoid about the whole rest of the world. Can I keep trusting my life after this, that it will not just fall apart inevitably now? Does life have ultimate purpose, does my life have value? I can calm my nervous system temporarily maybe but these things will inevitably arise again and again and… is there any way to be with this most depressing of experiences that I will never, ever understand? Is there any way to really and truly stop feeling like something messed up messed up everything about my life and I don’t know how to trust anything anymore and I’m so scared and I hear voices like, well, for other people these curcumstances might well turn out ikay, but not for you, never for you. I do not have the best state of mind right now about what my life is all about and my place in it. I have no spiritual clarity about some ultimate destiny and I can’t seem to believe I will be forgiven and acquire any kind of everlasting life that is worth its weight in salt. Maybe the universe just wanted to play with me and finding realness is impossible. Maybe this is a crisis that might lead to enormous spiritual growth… but I don’t think so…