So scared and freaked out…

I keep trying, keep proving more and more to myself that nothing can be done to repair this impossible wound inside me around my ‘mother’ and maybe I was destined to keep trying and failing miserably because I can’t let myself believe that my heart is breaking like this and that she would deceive me with the most surface words along the lines of caring (and doing physical things for me which really aren’t what I need from her but they are what she’ll do for me, and not a thing she says or does allays any of my fears that she actually hates my guts and that the family is conspiring against me while hitting me with every wound and never being honest about anything that is actually going on; still finding ways to sneak around and find out about me apparently, and using whatever she inows to subtly but powerfully hurt me, giving me every indication that nothing about her behaviour whatsoever is meant to be caring despite her luring me in enough to crush me when she well feels like it and as someone said to me today when I had barely started telling my story: “You need to get away feom this sadistic, pathogenic woman.”

Now yes, if I could only get others to see so clearly and validate me that this is what is happening because I can’t recognise it myself, I deny it to no end and keep acting in wrong ways based on denial rather than facing reality, and I need to face reality. If I try to ‘relate’ to my mother all I get is feeling guilty and made to believe I am the problem for all of the hurt going on inside of me; so it is just hurt piling up upon hurt and I can’t take the advice I am getting, that I need to get independent and sever contact because… well, I barely told my story and my friend can give me advice to do everything to get away and sever myself from that so I can be financially independent so she can’t pull these strings on me and play these games — if only it were that easy, though; it terrifies me, it feels like the loneliness of deep outer space, I am list and don’t inow if I will ever be found…

Whatever is going on messes with my mind and I think I will never ever have my wounds figured out, I will never have a clue how to begin to understand the nature of how I am seen and why I was treated in this way and what it means as far as how I am going to be able to interact with others when and if I ever get independent from the source of my trauma which is my ‘family’ and now more and more my mother is doing everything but give me ‘I am there for you’ vibes that my intuition simply cannot trust, while on the surface luring me into believing she loves me unconditionally which I fall for because I’ll take anything that gives my heart a little bit of hope even if I know it is going to hurt me in the end and that being in contact is a horrible idea. It is likely also true that she is less responsible for wanting to put me down than others in the family but more and more I am just not sure… yet every time she says the smallest thing about caring about me, I lwt it ease my heart like oooh maybe everything’s going to be okay, and that is so foolish! If I trust my gut I shiver in horror about the reality of it all maybe forever. I don’t inow if I’m going to make it.

I am addicted to trying to make it work (and today she made me feel bad saying I’m the only one who’s not trying and that I push everyone away which is not true at all, there is just an intentional collective refusal to value me). Pretty much nothing that has ever hurt me ever gets acknowledged and I never feel like she or anybody in that family feels bad about it at all. It feels more like a conspiracy against me and yeah she could very well be doing just what it was suggested to me today she might be doing: giving me little bits of support r vague hope that she *does* carw here and there so she can still kick me around some more later. But this is mothing stable to rely on, I need a dog and a person who cares about me to cuddle please, yet with all this going on I despair of ever dinding someone who cares to talk for long hoyrs about our messed up or maybe not so messed up lives and just cuddle and be there for each other. It hurts, I need connection to fill this void, and I am so heartbroken and scared I feel lile I don’t know how to connect with anyone or trust connection.

I don’t want to admit that that is what is happening and dealing with the fact that she is intentionally sadistic towards me with pretty much no support around that at all, pretty much no one who is probably going to say: that is a sadistic messed up situation and we need to get you set up on your own… other than the friend who is hosting me, but other than providing material support and a little conversation there is not much he can do or can be expected to do..

As long as my emotions are wrapped up around my mother I cannot feel whole or fully alive but OMG it’s like she guilts and blames me forever for expressing that I may have no other way but to detach and what if my life is already irreparably ruined, how do I recover, how do I finally deal with my C-PTSD, now that it is too late to get away in one piece?

Accepting that my mother is or can be truly sadistic (and when she is angry at others she is cruel to them in really inappropriate ways, it’s not just me, but more and more it feels like it’s just me, like she’s finally found a way to get the bezt if me, and I am so triggered now by so many things I do mot onow what’s what anymore, I am a total mess.) I have more turmoil inside of me around my mother than I can ever begin to process and honestly I need to start processing it now. I need independence without terror about taking those steps and being sabotaged or just… being independent of this and then having to deal with the enormous frightening hole that is there without adequate support, everything everything is so hard and I don’t know how to gather myself again. I want love, I want to experience real love, to see that it can actually happen, a love that can’t be destroyed by what already causes me so much pain. I need to let go of all these past loves and truly resolve myself around that but oh I want to open myself to love and in the mess I am in where my heart is freaking out and feels destroyed and like everything is empty without a caring mother and family… please love me through working through all this mess. I know I’m probably pretty impossible to love right now but I want something really real and to start healing from what feels like it can never be healed unless I wander into the terrifying unknown and just walk away.

I need to get away and get independent without freaking out in the process. But what is this, more evidence piling up of my ‘family’s’ attempts to destroy me? The way my mother called to have me sent to the hospital when she did was only meant to hurt and we both KNOW it, and yeah, my experience in that hospital was awful and I can’t get over any of it and I have no one to talk to about it but my mother will not hear a word about it and yells at me for bringing it up.

She just started blocking my calls so I can’t reach her for the first time ever and she always does this after making me feel really bad and scared… but why do I *let* her keep doing this to me? I am trapped. I need a way out. I need to find a way to let all of this go and see if it is even possible to try to heal with this ‘family’ always breathing down my neck… and either just intimidating me, or realiy making it clear they are never going to stop, no matter how hard I try to escape from it all.

So my brother apparently forwarded my mother a text from his current and my former (years ago) psychiatrist, like a couple days after my mother made that horrible mean inappropriate call to 911 supposedly to ‘help’ me but actually to do anything but; showing complete lack of caring when I was actively suicidal and then when I was having a conversations with her she apparently didn’t like (I don’t even remember what it was) rushing for the phone with utter refusal to give up the idea of calling on me, screaming into my eyes multiple times that she hates me, and this is like the night after she said she had me so she’d have something to laugh at and all sorts of scary things, and all this just compounded every other intentionally hurtful thing I experienced in that house. There are conversations going on about me behind my back I am sure and I’m sure that if I knew about them would horrify me beyond belief. All the evidence as it is is too much to handle and ouch my heart hurts I wish I could be around someone who really gets me but I’m scared that will never happen.

I was in the ER at a local hospital for like 5 days around the 4th if July trying to process that look and those horrible words from my mother and the way she called 911 would have been intentionally hurtful even were it not for any if that. It was because I *wasn’t* in any danger then and just trying to express a boundary that her words made me sad when she flipped out on me. If she were really concerned she would have done it when I was actively expressing self-injurious thoughts and impulses (not that that would have been a goid time either but so much less *messed up*). So then there is this thing forwarded from my former psychiatrist, which is apparently, though it wiol be vehemently denied, an ongoing conversation and it terrifies me out of my mind like the source of my trauma is trying to take away all my freedoms and no one knows how terrifying that is and how much it crushes my heart to no end and I don’t know how I am ever going to escape from this horror.

I was self-injurious because I was in a place where I experienced horrible treatment for years that only got worse and zapoed everything I had in me out of me… but in a better place, without people around me who pretend to care but actually hit me where it hurts all the time, that issue would have very readily resolved on its own, and I just do not know what, that they are not talking about with me, makes my ‘family’ think they have the right, when they have already taken everything out if my soul, to receive this guidance from my former psychiatrist about a hospital stay that messed me up and that I *didn’t deserve!!!* And then to lie to me about everything and insist they’re telling me the truth…

The doctor tells my ‘brother’ that my ‘parents’ “need to talk to the hospital, find out if they are going to file a TEMPORARY guardianship while [I] am in the hospital that ends when [I] leave the hospital. The hospital can also give her [my mother] a referral to several mental health lawyers who can do permanent guardianship.” What the HELL is that all about — it certainly has nothing to do with any of the reasons I assumed I was in the hospital, but it is like my family and those hospitals are conspiring to make me look irrevocably messed up.

This terrifies me out of my mind: my mother assures me it’s nothing and belittles my absolute fear and horror about it, even tbe tiniest concern about this happening is something she would judge as paranoia and get over it it’s in the past but NO the fact that this was even a conversation affects my whole life and I am terrified of my whole life being taken away by that which hates me but claims to love me!!!

Since they supposedly didn’t do anything with that information, she assures me, she has no idea why this is even a minor concern for me nevermind freaking me out as much as it actually is: it fits with all the other evidence of how that whole family had been treating me, and has been for years. But it is another thing I can’t even talk about and it is my rights and exactly what I have always been afraid of: imagine my financial life not being my own because of what already breaks my heart so much to have been entangled in for so long. Imagine those who are responsible for my traumas getting to decide they do ‘care’ about me enough to take away my any sense of being a whole independent person… for nothing, though there is no way that what I say or think matters, they want to control the narrative about me forever and never let me break away even if I realise that is the healthiest thing for me and it is terrifying enough that that is what I need to do without worrying about never actually being able to get away because they decide to express their sadism by putting a legal hold on me that has who knows what consequences and I am just petrified out of my mind, my heart feels crunched up and it is so awful… yet my mother has started blicking my phone calls when I bring up stuff she doesn’t want to talk about like how much I hurt but she says, “I think of the world as you, you need to believe that.” I think she meant “I think the world of you.” But at this point so much trust has been broken with refusal to do anything but pile on more pain while calling it love that there is just no way I can begin to imagine believing that and she criticises me for not being able to just accept it but whoa that would be so naïve of me, messed up stuff is going in and if you’re going to deny it I need to have the courage to own it and to do what I need to do…

I think it would be so dangerous to let myself have that belief; she’s telling me I need to believe her and this little kid in me can’t help but trust her even when I know it’s wrong and oh my gosh I just need friends who are able to hear how messed up it is are able to take my side, encourage me, help me find my power again, and even make me uncomfortable by helping me no longer stay in denial that I really have to cut contact so that my C-PTSD and who knows what else does not keep getting triggered again and again and my heart broken again and again and again in a hopeless situation.

If I can’t address any hurt at all with my mother, what conversation can be had with her, but she wants me to immediately put all issues I have with everything in the past, and I just can’t, you can’t just get over enormous pain like this, and she wants me to more or less pretend it’s not there. She’ll lure me in and then wham me with something that totally ungrounds me and theows me off course…

If there are conversations about taking my rights away from me, don’t then criticise me for being paranoid about it, I have every reason to be horrified and angry I have every reason to distrust everything that goes on in that house… and evidence for that just keeps piling up and I don’t know why I even keep trying… in my life, period… it feels hopeless.

I let my mother’s little assurances without action make me feel like maybe things can be okay because I can’t let myself own the truth that they just won’t be. It was hard enough even before to do what she says and just let the past be the past and not worry about it anymore; if there were any capacity to talk about and resolve issues in an honest way, I might be able to start resolving the wounds, but there is no way to resolve anything with her.

When you tell someone you are getting them a service dog that is a big commitment, to the person you are making that offer to, especially when they are going through depression and trauma that you really know nothing about and that does not concern you at all. So to tell me I have a service dog and let me get so attached and finally start to feel like I can be out in the world again only to selfishly take him away from me and use my heartbreak around him to hurt me however she feels like it… and ouch, I have not found a criend to help me hold my pain around that dog. Thatonly makes the issues I got the service dog for soooo much worse, it piles heartbreak onto heartbreak and manipulative cruelty and deception, too, and since she didn’t have the first idea what I was going through, I never should have trusted I was actually getting a dog to support *me*, but I was so lonely and I needed him and of course I took to heart that he was *my* service dog and that this would continue to be honoured… but as soon as his support just about had me out of the depression and on my feet again, it was snatched away from me… and she knows she’s taking away everything that gives me a chance to theive and using it against me while claiming to care… but I am so worn down, I know fighting with her about it doesn’t work but is there anyone else who can hear me and hold me like I wish my mother would have? Is there anyone who can help give ke faith that it is possible to start filling these holes in my heart with real caring and understanding and love?

The latest story was actually that if I found a place to stay my mother *would* let me have him, nut nope, it turns out she lied about that, she lets me onow today, and she wants to rub in how bad I feel with, if you take him I’ll never talk to you again. Always using those sticks against me. It is never a moment of anything but hurting me around how I, of my own volition, decided responsibly that I could use a little help to deal with depression and trauma, and so that gets used against me for the rest of my life, I get put into a position where the psychiatrist I went to who knows nothing about me except for whatever my brother might have shared woth him and taking notes on me sitting there in mostly silence for half hour sessions is now recommending lawyers to put me in my place or something???

My mother swears she made that call and had me committed because she *cares* about me, is actually conceding (in theory, on the surface) that it may have been the wrong decision but says it felt right at the time, but no, it was never about concern for me and I have every right to be suspicious and freaked out of my mind especially when my old psychiatrist gets involved and offers suggestions for lawyers to get me permanently under the ‘care’ of a lifelong traumatising situation… making everything that hurts me hurt more…

My mother assures me that is nothing to worry about and nothing was done but that was a terrifying conversation about oppressing me, and why, because I was surrounded by sadness and needed to get *out* and I happened to say something to the wrong person (my mother) at the wrong time about how her words were hurting me and she’d have none of it so… it was commitment to a hospital and days after I get there there is this conversation about guardianship like making me into the disturbed one who needs to have them wield power over me, and it is too messed up for words… and nothing my mother can possibly say or do can allay any of my fears and my knowings about how messed up this is and how my life has been played with for way too long.

When she is not criticizing me around the dog she’s like, I can’t talk to you about it, the idea of leaving him to be with you makes me too emotional. I was like, if you can be emotional about my service dog’s feelings why can’t you be emotional about mine? That would relieve me of some of those awful fears; I do not believe at all that she ever does.

She is like, it’s because he’s a dog and he’s. helpless and I tell her, I am too, that’s what a service dog is for, and she sighs and says she has to go and makes clear she is disappointed with me for having any conversation with me about this dog and having any of my real feelings.

She broke the most recent promise she made that of course when I had a place I could have him; now it’s supposedly because he’s attached and thinks she can take care of him better than I can and he won’t like leaving and… I can gauge his emotions, if he is sad and doesn’t want to be with me of course I would probably just say he can stay with her, I don’t want him to be sad either… I’ve pretty much resigned myself to that anyway. But nothing is going to resolve this incredibly derp wound I have around him and my mother… and I don’t know why it’s even worth trying anymore in my life.

She said she would get me another dog which might sound like ooh that is nice of her but what is that but just throwing money at the problem and it isn’t going to fix a thing even though it would probably be good for me to have a dog even if I can’t have my own freaking service dog for horrible readons that I wish I could get some empathy around from friends. It doesn’t heal or acknowledge ir make space for any of the pain, and why would I want another dog that she ‘gets’ for me, if she gets it for me it will just keep reminding me of all the hurt that never should have happened…

The point is there was a purpose that dog was supposed to serve and he was supposed to serve me but as I love him to death his presence and the callous manipulation of me through him has caused so much heartbreak and that kind of heartbreak is not going to go away by getting another dog. She says, probably sarcastically, I need a person, someone I can talk to (not that she wouldn’t sabotage it if I found such a person, and I bet this is just her making fun of me), and I’m like, I need a dog a whole lot more and I need to heal this break in my heart around my supposed service dog and I don’t know if that is ever ever going to heal… having a dog, yes, that is important, but the years of heartbreak and abuse I experienced around my service dog? I do not think anything is ever going to heal my heart around that… but maybe I can concede she is right, I do need a human, one that I can curl up and cry with about how much it hurts and can hold me in that, maybe a human who loves cuddling with dogs and likes cuddling with me… but I think my mother honestly wants to sabotage any chance I have at realness with anybody by manipulating perceptions of me so that nobody will stay and that has been my fear my own life.

I’ve saboraged myself and made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to get as independent as I possibly can from all if this with the help of people who care and yes the offer to stay here was so generous but I am still terrified I’m not going to find friends to support me in what I need which is to claim my worth and my independence from so much toxicity and sadness and feeling emotionally held and seen without secretly seeing me through stories that are told about me that I know mothing about… give me a chance to show what I am capable of, give me a chance to show that I am more than this C-PTSD which is caused by a horrifying crisis situation which is dependence on a situation where I have so much wounding that could go to infinite depths of pain if I let it go on but the depths of pain might be infinite if I walk away.. and that is *not* going to get better until I know I can get out of it and still live a full life without constraints put on me by what has hurt me my whole entire life. I wish I didn’t feel so messed up so I culd ferl like I deserved a cuddle from someone who cares…

The story is this guardianship idea about me came up in my brother’s conversation with his psychiatrist because of a concern about making sure I take my ‘medicine’ which is a bogus lie: that is a drastic measure for such a thing and that is so outside my former psychiatrist’s bounds to recommend such a thing and it is clear people are saying things about me that are unfair to me and not giving me a chance to respond, nor can any issue I have ever be talked about…

I’m just the scapegoat, the awful one, and to this family I always will be that. It wasn’t about making sure I took my medicine: my mother assured me she had no communication with these hospitals at all, which disturbed me, because based on all my experiences in them I am pretty sure she did; and so now because I need an explanation for this she is saying this was an intervention to get me to take my medicine? Yeah, the first awful hospital I was in had someone come by and say, “your death is waiting” and that I had to come take a pill that might kill me and it felt like jail and I had been severely threatened previous to that so I took that pill. It was just terrifying and abusive… and the medication they gave me so wasn’t good for me and I had no consultation about it so I refused to take it so they kicked me out… who knows how much longer they would have kept me if I had taken it, but because that happened over the winter, and no, they gave me absolutely no rights as far as advocating for myself around which if any medication would be good for me, just this scary sounding thing called respiridone that seemed to mess me up and I stopped taking it after two doses… and then they sent me back to that house.

Then she calls the hospital on me at a time I’m hurting so much but don’t need one of those awful hospitals and they haven’t even given me any medication when this conversation about guardianship happened. I was just trying to deal with all the messed up hurtfulness, it wasn’t my fault! It had nothing to do with that, it was meant to be so much more oppressive than that, and I have no idea what effect anything out of my control is going to have on my life. Will I ever get anything but deception? Why am I so stupid that I keep trying, when I know I need to cut it off, but with this threat what if even taking the reins of my own life is out if the question?

It is so terrifying and lonely, and I’m afraid I have no one else who cares about me and sees me anymore who would catch me when I fall. At least I can count on my mother to help me when I am in a bind, some of the time… though you cannot trust she won’t throw you under the bus in other times of need. Will I ever find friends who truly empower me to be me and help me get out of this? I need to get out if this, I need clarity on my life and healing for my broken heart in so many ways; will I find a support system that will validate me and help me come alive again? I don’t know, I’m just so, so scared…