Trauma and shame

I am having C-PTS responses. I got the idea today not to call it a disorder; it is a normal response to trauma and the trauma stored in my body is not my fault. The way my body responds to that trauma is not my fault though I blame and shame myself all the time. I could have made healthier decisions rather than spiraling downwards into increasing helplessness and pain; and I am not intending to absolve myself of any responsibility, but I need to be so much gentler and more compassionate with myself than I have been, but I feel like everyone secretly wants me to be harder on myself, because they don’t really like me anyway, and so much that has been put on me really is not my fault. Yet forgiving myself for my own trauma and the ways that it has debilitated my life and kept me distant from others and from anything I might be meant to be in the world feels so, so hard for me. I blame and shame myself for my trauma and I create self-fulfilling prophecies that pile trauma on top of trauma. I keep telling myself that because of my trauma I am not worthy of connecting with anyone at all. I have too much baggage, too much self-doubt and insecurity, and I should probably stay away from people forever. Honestly I need to find a way to be really honest with myself — intimacy will flow out of me really having some sense of who I am and what matters to me but I don’t know what a connecting conversation looks like right now. Next weekend folks are going to take sone time to get to know me and I don’t know whether to bring my pain and my unhealed heart to the table or to try to express who I am beyond all this pain. I try to meditate today and feel like running away from myself. I feel like I will never feel better, never find clarity, never stop being afraid of everything. The trauma scares me because there is so much of it inside if me and there is so much fear of trusting and so much negativity about myself that I cannot seem to possibly convince myself is not true. And yet I have a chance; I feel like people around me care, but when I am with other people I have no idea who I am around them, and that means I tell myself I will never experience intimacy with anyone else ever again. I need to forgive myself for my trauma and be willing to be seen as all of me including this. Intimacy. Right now I do not know what it means. Intimacy with myself, intimacy eith others, the sort of joyful connecting intomacy that gives peace. I feel out of step with every conversation. Is there a conversation my heart wants to have that is intimate or do I just run away from that kind of close encounter with realness? I am so lonely, and nothing feels enough.