ME -agaInst- the WOrLD

Its gotten to the point where I just wanna give up and that I dont care anymore.  Last night I snapped.  I gettin ready to fully snap.  And when I do Im not gonna give a shit about anything….I am just one walking ticking time bomb waiting to explode.  Well you’re all prolly wondering what I am talking about.  Well lets see, I am under so much stress that it is just becoming so unbareable to wake up in the morning.  There is just so much around me, and everything just seems to be falling onto my head.  Schools getting more and more stressful as we’re rounding the half way mark, my family is falling apart, my father is a piece of shit, Im being threatened CONSTANTLY, people are talking shit, too many fights are happening….its just so much to handle at one time.  And everything just seems to be coming at me at one strong force….Ive ran out of ways to deal with it all.  Now let me explain everything that is going on in my life as of this very second.

My family is just falling apart.  My Aunt and Uncle are split up and he doesnt know how to just leave it.  He commited adultry….he walked out on his wife and kids….and my Aunt means everything to me, and when shes hurt, we all hurt.  My mom and I have been tense towards each other the past couple weeks.  Now see, I know my mom has to work….since shes the only one here who supports us….but for God sake, I need a break too.  Lets see, last Saturday was my last time to do something for myself….from Sunday till New Years Eve I have to watch kids from 4-12.  This weekend my mom is going to Canada and wont be back till Sunday and then Monday and Tuesday she has to work, Christmas eve she has to finish shopping, Christmas were going to my Aunts and I tend to watch them while Im there, the 26th she goes to work till the 30th.  Then the 31st her and the kids go to an over night New Years party.  And if I complain she does the guilt trip.  I understand that she has to work, but I am also a 17 year old girl who doesnt really get out much.  I have been forced to grow up faster than I actually had to.  It just gets so overwhelming….plus the kids end up calling me mom, and what they really are, are my little sisters.  Something wrong here…..

My father, well hes self explanatory.  Hes a piece of shit that doesnt care about me.  I asked him to come out for my Financial Aid night thinger and he said no.  Hes not all that excited that I got accepted to college….my mom and the .rest of the family are THRILLED!!  Hes just an asshole that just adds more she to my life.

The threats are becoming outrageous.  Im getting threats from people saying theyre gonna kick my ass, to people telling my mom things that doesnt consern her.  NO!!  People wanna play that game, Ill destroy there lives quicker than they can destroy mine. 

People think theyre gonna talk there shit….and normally I dont let that get to me….but since my defenses are low its all getting to me.  And what hurts the most is that the person that I thought loved me thinks Im a whore.  What did I do to deserve that shit?!

And Leah and me are fighting like crazy.  As of now her and I arent friends.  I almost kicked the living shit out of her last night.  She flipped out and shes like Im the cause of your stress and doing the guilt trips….and blameing it on other people….If Im not getting the guilt trips from my mother its from her.  She is my best friend in America….and she wants to threaten me with stuff….blackmale me….its crazy.  Its like Im living in an alternate universe!!

Im lost with what I should do.  I dont know what to do.  I called Pete last night and he helped me a lil.  He helped me calm down so nothing crazy happens…..

Well Im gonna go, Im sitting here in tears cause I dont know what to do anymore.  PLCG!!

A Very emotional,
((Amanda))