Oswego

August 3, 2000

Loneliness

I am a rock. I am an island.

Simon and Garfunkel

I’m looking for that Lonely Street
I’ve got a sad, sad tale to tell
I need a place to go and weep
Where’s this place called Lonely Street

A place where there’s just loneliness
Where dim lights bring forgetfulness
Where broken dreams and memories meet
Where’s this place called Lonely Street

Carl Belew, W.S. Stevenson and Kenny Sowder

I guess you can tell where my state of mind is tonight. Not that I’m feeling alone. Although I am. Not that I am terribly sad or depressed. I’m just in my most familiar state — that of aloneness. By myself. Solitary. And I am comfortable with that.

But not always. It used to be, years ago before I started to come to terms with myself, that I would go back to my apartment after teaching my classes at the college and look around those bare living quarters, and put my head in my hands at my desk and feel those dry tears that wouldn’t come out and the depression that reared its ugly head once again — and nothing seemed to matter. I had traveled until I could travel no more. It was put up or shut up. Those fateful times come into our lives and allow us to see into the abyss. I think we even want to. What would it take? I thought I would go crazy from having to live with myself.

I was a good bit younger, too. And it is always hardest to live alone when you no longer young, but not middle-aged either. A lost zone. Your hang-ups, quirks and eccentricities are crystalizing before your very eyes and you are powerless to do anything. You are carried along by this strange idea that you can’t change. This is it. This is the way I am going to be. And you can’t even bear to look ahead 20 years and imagine what that time will be like.

The inertia of daily existence, containing the freedom to do anything you want but yet not having to be responsible for any others, becomes a kind of prison of self-satisfaction and presumed indifference to living any other way. Freedom, though, carries with it responsibilities, or so they say. At what price, then, is the solitary and single life lived? We are not monks in a monestery.

I don’t feel the terrible loneliness I used to have weighing on me oppressively. I am not as self-conscious about it anymore. I have carved out a place for myself and I am at ease with the approaching half-century milestone. But it has been a long, long journey to this place I have reached. At times I didn’t think I would. Or even want to. And now I look back on those terrible times of loneliness with a kind of detached and morbid fascination.

Lately I have had a number of songs running through my head, and I realize once again how some of the most beautiful of those songs were about loneliness. And as I get older, I know why they are so beautiful. Because they are true. They are real.

Did you hear that lonesome whipperwill
He sounds too blue to fly.
The midnight train is whinin’ low
I’m so lonesome I could cry.

I’ve never seen the night so long
As time goes crawlin’ by
The moon just went behind a cloud
To hide her face and cry.

Did you ever see a robin weep
As leaves begin to die
That means he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome I could cry.

The silence of a fallin’ star
Lights up the purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry.

Hank Williams Sr.

im here

Hey, yeah, you have me. And I’m cute! *wink* Love,

“One is the lonliest number” “For a rock feels no pain, And an island never cries.” “If you miss the train I am on, Then you will know I have gone.” Music says so much, Oswego, especially when the hea

pains of loneliness are familiar…so are the emotions you have/had going through the same……Iam so lonesome I could cry is a good tune ((hugs)) (spirit under repair)

…when the heart is sad and lonely. I know how you feel, my friend. Love,

Misery loves company; I’ve been blue, too, wondering sometimes why I should even bother getting dressed. But I think if you were my company I would no longer feel blue! 🙂 Here’s to better days.

This is such a great entry that I have sent you an e-mail! Love,

Thank you for this entry. You found words for feelings difficult to express. Best wishes,

This was honest and touching. You have many friends here at OD. I’m one of them. My puter-screen is out of order. Take care, send you email when I come home fr holiday

Willy & Wilma

August 4, 2000

I feel for you,Oswego! Wouldnt it be better to let a woman into your life. They’re so wonderfully comfortable to be around. Never a dull moment. I’m sooooo thankful for the widow next door.Am not quite ALL alone!

I really feel for you, dear Oswego, because I’ve been where you are now. There are such fallow periods in life. But miracles can happen, and love and companionship can show up when you least expect it. Thank you for your visit.

Ah, Hank Williams Sr. wrote the ultimate “lonely song.” Ever hear Bill Monroe’s “In the Pines, In the pines where the sun never shines and you shiver when the cold wind blows….?” cont.

My Dad raised me on that stuff; he is (well,now his fingers shake) an excellent musician, but he likes mostly really old songs. Hank Williams. Bill Monroe. Jimmy Rodgers (sp?) etc.

Gave me a rich background growing up. Didn’t recognize it ’til lately! Daddy could play anything w/strings. I didn’t know how cool he was ’til the past few years. cont.

As we approach the big “50”–I’m already thinking about it!–the number seems nice and balanced, not something scary to use the gris-gris of black balloons and candles against. Ah, but I wax on and on. I’m a melti

melting birthday candle, I guess! Now, I’ve taken all your note space! Love,

neat entry- awesome feelings- :0)

I’ve come to terms with being alone and am very comfortable with it. Of course I’m quite a bit older than you, but I don’t know that age has anything to do with it. It seems as though you’ve made a choice

to be alone. Why would you do that, if it bothers you? An intelligent man such as yourself should have no trouble finding companionship. You’re young yet!

I’ve read and re-read this one, trying to know what to say. First: Thanks for the honesty in this entry. Second: I think there’s a bit of truth in what all the other noteleavers have said . . .

Being alone sometimes is a choice. And sometimes it’s not. But where it is, no one should understate the challenge of choosing differently. It’s not easy. My bit of advice: Let your heart lead for a

while. I wouldn’t say that to everybody, necessarily, but yours is a good, reliable one.

Know those feelings, they come, they go

alone in a crowded room…i’ve been there…:)

I like the words you use in your note to me, Oswego. We are all on a “journey of discovery,” and we’re in a state of becoming. It helps to have kindred souls traveling along the road with you.

+soft smile+ Loneliness tugs at your heart… I’m glad you’ve overcome depression… and learned how to enjoy the company of yourself.

Hamlet

August 6, 2000

When I entered college for my first year I spent countless hours compling on my computer. Never much at a time but always a few and my file now contains 37 pages of them. I am always drawn to more.

Hamlet

August 6, 2000

When I am alone I usually focus down hard on something to avoid the feelings of despair that well up inside me. It seems when I am suffering I am always alone, even if people are present, they are not really there.

HarpHill (2)

August 6, 2000

Some people confuse aloneness with loneliness. I know one, not the other. and how nicely you differentiate them.

Amanda Cayhill

August 7, 2000

How I wish I had your “alone” time.

Bramble

August 7, 2000

It is a paradox how ‘alone’ can feel so wonderful some times and so awful at others.

wanderlust (2)

August 8, 2000

Cry if you need to O. Tears will wash your heart & soul to a new view, just for you. Peace of mind & joy of heart to you this day, my friend

hey, i’m here..smiles..

How did I miss this entry? I always loved that song by Hank Williams Sr. But then I always liked ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’ I’ve noticed the difference between alone and lonely.

Touching entry…I know what you mean about the dry tears. Strange, recently I have been almost too comfortable being by myself. But is that an illusion? We are our own best (and worst) company.

Hank Williams…haven’t thought of him in years and I think he sang many songs of truly lonely people. To be alone and not lonely is a great achievement. Just to give credit where credit is due.

Great entry. I am old enough now to embrace all my eccentric ways. They make me an individual. I enjoy being alone too, but I always have, even when I was young.

Edelweis

April 4, 2002

Oh my, dear friend, you got so many supportive notes here!!! Isn’t Willy’s sweet? This is a very touching entry, and the songs are very beautiful. What you say here is so true but I hope you feel good tonight! The weekend is here soon!!!!! Take care,