catching haloes on the moon.

once again, copied from a forum, because i still can’t write if it’s for my diary.

* i have the cutest shoes. they’re green with flowers on them. fake allstars. i bought them for €17, which is half of what you pay for most shoes. i love them, and whenever i see them, i get happy. there’s no leather in them, just cloth. makes me love them even more.
but winter is here, and my mom thinks i need new shoes. “decent shoes.” made of dead cows, without flowers and which cost more then €17. i don’t want dead cows on my feet. 🙁
so my mom took me shopping on saturday. it was terrible. she wanted me to get ugly shoes. nike’s and adidasses, made in sweatshops. shoes that look like climbing-shoes. dead cows. i didn’t want any of them, i love my flowery shoes. but they’re not “winter-shoes” (who the hell invents such things), and everytime it rains my feet get wet. i don’t care, but my mom does. and my soles are broken, so she really wants me to get another pair. we spent all saturday in shoe-stores, my mom getting mad at me because i didn’t like any pair 🙁
and now my mom is sick. she spent two days in bed, and i feel like it’s my fault.

* i was planning on sleeping all day, but there was so much noise outside that it just kept me awake. so i decided to get up, and now i’m not tired anymore. i’ve been playing diamond mine [play here.] all day. i put on my clothes and didn’t even wash or brush my teeth. i feel icky. i’ve been listening to the cure all morning.

* i hate my school. i used to love it… it’s an art-school, and everyone is open-minded and you have some freedom. but it’s so much different than last year. we have new teachers for every major subject, and i don’t get along with any of them. i also found out i suck at photography. last year i turned in pretty decent pictures, but i kind of lost the feeling, heh. all my pictures are just normal, not beautiful or great. they’re the kind of pictures anyone could take. and i hate going outside and actually taking the pictures. i love developing them, but i have almost nothing to develop because i don’t take any pictures.
and there’s this guy in my class… ruben. he’s so fucking great at photography. everyone is amazed at his pictures, they’re the kind you see for sale in shops. i’m so fucking jealous, i’ll never be that good. and what’s the use in still doing it, if i suck at it?

* there’s this other boy in my class; robbe. he’s sweet to me. he’s the only one that cares about me, or just pretends to. i like it when people care about me. i want him to be concerned about me, i want to talk with him about all my problems, but i’m afraid to. we get along really great, but i’m scared i’ll fall in love with him. i have rolf, i shouldn’t love other guys. i already have some kind of crush on him, i don’t want it to get any worse. but i need someone to fucking care about me :'(

* i talked to fem again. he’s one of my exes, one that changed my whole life. he (among other things) got me depressed, but he was also there for me during my depression. i miss him. what we had was strange. it wasn’t love, it wasn’t lust. we slept together in the same bed, and yes, we had sex. and yes, we kissed and i felt in love. but just sleeping in his bed, next to him, it meant more to me than all those other things put together. the few weeks we were together were the craziest ones of my life. i’d decide to go to him at 10pm christmas-night, and we stayed awake, sitting in bars, until 9 in the morning. i’d leave at 6 in the evening that day, waiting to see him again a few days later, really unexpectantly (sp?).
i dreamed about him last night. i dreamt that i was in his bed, and he was next to it. i asked him to come and lie with me, but he didn’t want to.
i miss him.

* i want to be depressed again. “i miss the comfort in being sad.” i have the feeling that i’m nobody. my life means nothing. at least i had something to do when i was depressed (getting through the day). my life hasn’t got any meaning at all. i just get through the days, but i don’t live them. would it be possible to make myself depressed again? which brings me to the next point…

* rolf. damnit, he sees right through me. he knows that i love being miserable, he knows that i love feeling sorry for myself. he knows i just want somebody to take care of me and forget about the rest of the world. he knows i want to be 5 again.
and he says i should stop it. he says i should stay positive, and try to be happy about things. be thankful for what i have, and stop being unhappy about whatever situation i’m in. he says i’m never satisfied, i’m never happy. he says i should grow up, take the responsibility. stop feeling sorry for myself, and try to change. i don’t know how to change.
i’m scared i’ll lose him if i’m depressed again. i want to be depressed, so hard. does anyone understand that? i want to feel secure again, want something to fall back on. (cutting, suicide.) now i have nothing.

there you have it. my life.