explanation.

[this is copied from a messageboard. i don’t feel like writing it all over again. i hope it explains some things.]

ever since my last post about rolf and i [which was only yesterday], things have changed so much.

quick summarization : rolf is a hare krishna and wants to be more um, ‘serious’ about his beliefs. hare krishna’s have some rules, one of them is that sex is ‘wrong’ if it’s not within marriage and it should only be for the purpose of children. so rolf asked me to never have sex again.

this wasn’t a surprise to me, i knew this question would come one day. but not this soon… i’m 18, and he’s 20. never having sex again? it sounds so terrible. it isn’t just the sex i’d miss, but the love and the compliments… me feeling beautiful. plus, i felt horribly rejected. he couldn’t seem to understand that. told me that i didn’t have to feel that way, but i still did. and then he understood it even less.

and then he called me. i have no idea what we talked about, but we’ve been having some problems lately. first, he wants to spend more time with his band. which means he might see me less [and we can only see eachother twice a month]. secondly, he wasn’t too sure about his feelings a week ago. this hurt me deeply, and i became very scared and thought I would lose him. but as it turned out, rolf has never been in a long relationship [longest r.s. was 1 month] and he didn’t really know it doesn’t stay exciting forever… he just lost the butterflies and panicked, heh. so i reassured him that it’s all normal.

but then came the sex-thing. and the fact that we only see eachother twice a month [sometimes less]. and it just seems all odds are against us. there are just so many practical problems. i’m way too possessive, and he needs his freedom.

so well. after talking for over an hour, he broke up with me… i don’t know what happened to me when he said that, but i sort of had a panick-attack. started to breathe really fast, felt like i was going to die, and all i could do was cry and think about how i was losing him, my future, and that there was nothing left for me…

after i finally calmed down [that was half an hour later, after i turned out the lights… somehow that calmed me down], we talked some more. he told me he didn’t know how he would feel tomorrow. that he might have made a terrible mistake, but he didn’t know. i just felt horrible. i slept with a wet towel on my head, because i just didn’t want to think…

and this morning [thursday-morning.], i couldn’t get out of bed. just thinking about it made me puke. facing the world, everybody asking me happily how rolf is. i just couldn’t do it. so i stayed in bed and slept for 2 more hours.

i got online, hoping to find rolf there, or at least an e-mail telling me how stupid he’s been… but all i got was an e-mail, saying he still thought he was right, and that he didn’t think we’d work out. i called him, and he got online. i have no idea how, but somehow i managed to let him give us another chance… we’ve talked about a lot of things, how it would work out for both of us. and i think we made some progress, or at least i hope.

so here’s what’s gonna happen.

1. i will let rolf spend more time with his band. i won’t be angry or depressive if he’s not online because he’s practicing. if he has to play a big show with important and famous bands, i will let him go, even if it’s in the weekend we see eachother. but only if it’s a big show. we won’t go longer than a month without seeing eachother. it could happen that we see eachother only once a month, but we’ll try to avoid that. he has to be clear about the shows. where he’s going to, with who, and how long it’s gonna last. i want a little calender with his shows on, so i know when he’ll be gone. [i often forget that, and that’s what makes it worse.]

2. the sex. i can live without it. all i want is rolf, and he means more to me than just sex. we’ll start off by having sex only if we really want it [ie we feel really in love and want to be close to eachother, not just because we’re horny]. then we’ll lessen it… until we have none. we’ll marry [non-traditional marriage — but we’ll have to look into this], and then we’ll have sex within marriage.

3. his religion. i should let him explore it more, and he’s going to explain more about it to me, so that it doesn’t feel strange or scary.

i think i’ve been in the way for too long now… whenever he wanted to do something that meant he wouldn’t be online that evening [play a show, practice, meet a friend, watch a movie], i completely panicked and was sure that he didn’t love me anymore. that is not true. rolf loves me a lot, and he just needs some time for himself. and i’m going to let him have that time. respect him, his needs and his religion. let him be himself. realise that it can’t always be about me — that there is more than me to rolf’s life. that’s what makes him beautiful, every little piece of him, even if i don’t always like it… but if you put all those pieces together, you get rolf, and he’s the one i love.