fuckingfading.

never thought id get any higher
never thought youd fuck with my brain

here i am. being happy that two week old scars dont fade. reading the journals of kurt cobain, because i want to relate to someone. [its been a while.] i can relate to dead people.

so tensed i feel like i might implode. yes. implode. cause its all inside, in the end.

wondering what the fuck is wrong with him. mad at me for no reason. i cry when people are mad at me. i think too much in black and white. he’s mad at me, so i wake up in the morning, thinking he hates me.

crying during breakfast is a very surreal experience.
so is pinching yourself in class, soveryhardthatyouthinkyoumightbreakyourskin.

every week we have to discuss a photo. last week, i brought this one. i love how the younger sister looks at the older sister. so i start talking about it. sister-relationships, admiring looks, the jealousy, all that shit. i’m not even halfway through my talk and the teacher interrupts me.
“sorry to interrupt you lynn, but that picture is bad. i dont like it, it looks like one you can find in a catalogus. so its just not very good. ok. who’s up next?“

why cant people understand that those are the things that .break. me.

yesterday i had that lesson again. i brought a picture of a pinguin covered in oil. he was standing on a beach, all alone. his wings spread wide open, like an eagle. the picture was taken from behind him, on eye-height. i loved it. i let the teacher see the picture, to show i had one.
“thats a good picture.“
i look down, because i was doing something else. suddenly i hear someone saying: “someone’s not taking it very well.“
turns out the teacher was being sarcastic.

i refused to talk about the picture. its a bad picture apparantely, so whatever i say comes out as stupid anyway. so didnt do it.

.breakintothousandlittlepieces.

i’m here for everybody. trying to cheer up jana when robbe told her thijs said that he thinks she’s a whore. cheering up robbe everysinglefuckingdamntime when he’s down because he misses his girlfriend or his parents are fighting or he’s just generally down. [why the fuck do i do that. let him just choke in his own misery, like he does to me.] making sure everyone in class is happy. i’m 18. the rest is all age 15-17. i make sure they prepare exercises, have all their books with them, lend them notes when they don’t have any at all because they’re too busy talking in class to actually take some notes, i give them glue/paper/scissors/whatever it is that they need next.

and im fucking drowning here.