someone has to be there.

so yeah. robbe. sigh. i wish i knew what to do.

i’m having this huge crush. i wish i could just stop it. i love feeling like that, i like falling in love, i love all the little sparks, the excitement.

but goddamn, i have a boyfriend. it feels like i’m such a whore. i shouldn’t be thinking these things, i should just fucking get over it. but i can’t. i hate it. it feels so much like evelien that it’s scaring me.

why do people keep on saying they’ll be there for me, always? if there’s anything i’ve learned, is that you should never believe such promises. take this afternoon, for example. i was feeling like shit, but who should i tell? who was i gonna call?

i thought about calling rolf, but he was practicing with his band. i know he loves doing that, i shouldn’t interrupt that and bore him with my strange thoughts. and whenever i try to talk to him about my problems, he says i’m overreacting and that i’m too dramatic. ok then…

i thought about calling robbe. but i don’t even know where he is, or what he’s doing. probably with his girlfriend, and i don’t want to interrupt that either. plus, i can’t talk to him in person about my problems. we were all alone in the darkroom yesterday in photography… i had no idea what to say. so i told him stupid anecdotes about my childhood. yay. so well. if i call him, i’d bother him and i wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

i could go online and talk to someone. but there’s not anyone who will just listen to me. they all say i’m overreacting, and try to give me advice. i hate it when people do that… i don’t want advice. i want someone to listen to me.

why can’t anyone just hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok? is that too hard? everybody wants to solve my problems. they’re all giving their solutions, telling me i should change the way i think, but damn, changing isn’t easy. i’ve never done it. “you should just do it.” but how??? argh.