things i wish i could tell you.

rolf : i love you. despite all the things i say, despite all the things i do, i’m never happier than with you. [aw. i rhyme.] i know you cannot always be there for me [though a part of me still expects that], but i love the way you try to do it anyway.

robbe : you’re such a jerk. you’ve hurt me more than anyone in the past few months. i’ve loved you, hated you, desired you, all in one day. i wish we could have an honest, meaningful, true conversation, just for once. instead we both speak a secret language we don’t even understand — trying to be interesting? i wish we’d be able to talk to eachother. i hate the way you end heartbreaking conversations with a sweet note — as if to make me love you again. it reminds me of fem, and i hate it when people do that.

dad : you’re a fucking sick twisted pedophile. i wish you had stayed the way you were when I was 4.

mom : i don’t know why you did all those things. am i really that bad? am i really that annoying, stupid, less worthy than my sister? did i really drive you nuts because i’m a stupid child… or was it all just a cry for attention, wanting your love and approval? did you really need to hit me, did you really need to grab me by the hair and shake me like a fucking ragdoll? did you really need to do all those things…

maaike : don’t ever ever change. be the way you really are. you are a wonderful sister, even without all those trendy clothes and hypes that you follow.

grandfather : i wish i got to know you better. i wish you hadn’t died. i wish you had lived forever, and i’d still spend half of my summer with you and grandma. you’d take care of me like the way you did, which i only understood last year.

grandmother : thank you for those wonderful summers. you are one of the reasons i loved childhood.

aunt wendy : i love you. i lovelovelove you. you are the best. always sticking up for me, always defending me, but always rational. you remind me of myself. [except the rational part. maybe i still have to learn that. and maybe i don’t want to.]

fem : it wasn’t love… it was lust. lust and admiration. and maybe some butterflies. but hell… don’t ever ever change fem. be the way you are, for you are beautiful that way. people might not understand, but they don’t need to. you are more than they think.

evelien : you were the best and worst that happened to me. i loved our engagement, our kisses in the hema, our giggles, soft tones and deep conversations that lasted for hours. i hate the way you let me drown when i needed you most. i hate the way you learned me that people change, and that they can turn from best friends into total bitches. but thank you for being there for me, if only for a short while.