This is gonna hurt

Day 3 – The meaning behind your Open Diary name

I don’t know. It doesn’t really have any meaning. Just something I made up a long, long, LONG time ago. It has become a part of me through so many years and I’m still called nicknames based on this diary name by several people.

It’s 5am. I’ve gotten less than 4 hours of sleep every night for the past 5 days, and I should be completely passed out right now. Instead I am waking up with terrible nightmares, tossing and turning, and have this perpetual sick feeling in my stomach.

I wish I could fix what is bothering me. But I know I can’t. I won’t. I’m going to have to learn to live with it. Or should I say without it.

I have the song “This is gonna hurt” by Nikki Sixx in my head. Listen up, listen up, there’s a devil in the church. Got a bullet in the chamber and this is gonna hurt.

Five hundred miles away, my husband is also struggling. I can picture my bed back at home. The covers twisting and turning with his body as it writhes around the bed, teeth grinding, talking, sweating, cold. In his sleep, he is slaying dragons. I put a hand on him and listen to what he says. In these moments, in his deep sleep, he says things he would not say awake. I subconciously grit my teeth and wait for him to say a name. How many times that has happened. I stroke his back. Tomorrow he will be mean and angry and I will have done everything wrong. So I stay awake, with him.

How much I miss my bed back home right now. I wish I could tell him things. I wish he’d understand. I wish life came with a backspace button. Oh the things I would change.

I can’t wait to sit down in my therapists chair on Monday. I hope it is horribly satisfying because right now in my life I need something horribly satisfying. In reality, I’m terrified this fucker is going to try to commit me. He gave me some psychological test last week that had 344 questions. Some of my answers make me look plum crazy. But I’m sure anyone would feel paranoid if a shrink was going to go back in some room and key in your answers to 344 questions to “get a better understanding of you” in complete graphical form. In todays democracy, that just about scares the shit out of me.