Moving on..

Sometimes I’m confronted by the idea that there’s no one I can drive too. I want to jump in my vehicle and drive and drive and drive and finally meet up with someone who I can just be me with. That’s what moving on gives you. It gives you this empty hole in your heart and I’m not sure how to heal it. I miss intimacy. I miss being held while I cry. But when I really think about it, I mean reflect on the past, I’ve never really had that. But, I’ve never been alone, with the exception of when I went off to college. I don’t know how to be alone and how to do things alone. I’ve always had someone to depend on to accompany me. Friends, family, a husband. But now, I have two people. Two people who, I don’t think, get me. Sometimes.. the comments made make me retreat into my head and fill me with these terrible thoughts. I shouldn’t feel this way but I’m so vulnerable right now. My past has really done a number on me. I’ve been so hurt, so used, so broken, so worn down. I’m not a whole person, not even a half. I’m just an aching heart. An aching heart with open wounds being constantly rubbed with salt.

Sometimes I think I may be drowning. Was this a mistake? Did I really change my situation? Did I go from being with a terrible husband who cheated and abused me to two people who plan on taking advantage of me? I honestly haven’t no idea yet.

I do know that if this is going to work, I need my own space. I need room… I need room for all the boxes that contain my thoughts. It’s just to cramped in here. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel.. I feel too much.

I should take up drinking. I could drink away all these thoughts and emotions and live life in a coma-like state.

Some day I’ll be comfortable enough to take my laptop and sit in a coffee house alone so I can make eyes at people as they pass by. Maybe someone will feel strongly enough to write a missed connection about the lonely fat girl in starbucks sipping tea, all by herself. Maybe they’ll say something kind like "you had beautiful eyes" or "you looked so sad, care for a chat?"

I’d die for a chat. A friendly stranger passing by on the sidewalk who knows nothing about me.. who knows nothing about my situation.

I wish I wasn’t introduced as the girl with MS. People give me these so sorry eyes, and I just can’t deal with it. Or they’re verbal, saying stuff like "I’m so sorry, you’re doing better than *insert someone the know with MS*" How am I supposed to respond to that? Thanks? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I think it makes me look weak. People see sickness and disease like a weakness. I’m not ready to roll over and die, so don’t look at me like that. My days aren’t numbered.

I also don’t need everyone knowing certain aspects about my personal life. They feel so free to share these details, especially when all I want to do is forget it all. I want to forget that aspect of my life ever happened. And when those details are shared, with strangers (at least to me) I’m reminded of it all over again and I feel like my life is an open and gaping wound. And I don’t think they are details that should be shared! They will forever see me as the girl with MS who was abused and cheated on by her asshole husband.

I think my journey here is proof that I’m not a weak person. I spent a week of solitude lost in my own reflections while I drove over 3000 miles solo. Now, I just need to discover who I am, as an individual and who is the person I want to be.