Ten Years.

I’ve had this diary for ten years, with long gaps of indifference and a lack of record keeping mixed in, but I can still see how I’ve grown as a human being. Ten years ago, I never would have imagined that I’d be here. I’d be living with someone who so frequently commented on my diary in the beginning. Someone who offered me sage advice and wisdom as well as a few laughs mixed in here and there.
Five years ago I never would have imagined that I would have left Kelly. Dating and then marrying him was perhaps the greatest mistake I have ever made. Our five year anniversary is on April 8th. I think I’ll spend the day doing something lovely so I don’t have to consider the five years of my life, wasted. It’s a Friday, so maybe if I talk to Chrissey she will do something with me. I just.. don’t want to spend a day thinking about how I could have done things differently, I spend everyday already thinking that as it is.
I’m glad I was smart enough to get away. I was bordering on staying merely because it’s the only life I knew. Staying and dealing with abuse and someone who cheats, what kind of life would that have been?
Reading through all of my past entries also makes me realize that I need to consider going into therapy or some form of counseling. There are a lot of issues I just haven’t addressed. The physical and mental abuse from my mother, my emotional eating, failed relationships, low self-esteem, being raped, being robbed, being used, being abused by my husband, being cheated on. I’m just a broken person and I’m finding it rather difficult to believe that I can ever have successful relationships with people until I learn to address these issues. I should be angry. I should hate what people have done to me but all I do is stuff the feelings away. And I continue to allow these people to be a part of my life. I’m sick and I need a cure.
One thing that has never changed, in the past ten years, is I still crave the love I think every person deserves. I have a support system in place in my life, but I still feel like there’s something seriously lacking. Maybe I just have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me an emotionally needy idiot. I should get that checked out.