The tenderness of broken glass.

I’m sitting in the dark. By myself. Although, it’s not nearly quiet. The fan in the window next to me screams in cool air blowing my orange scented locks across my face. Darla Rae barks at some unknown stranger crossing the street in front of my second story apartment.

I’m alone. The second night. He’s at work and I kind of wish he wouldn’t come home.

I’m having reservations about the future of us. There is so much pain inside me that he’s caused. It all wants to break free and beat down the doors to my mind. I took my wedding ring off today. It left a mark. It’s going to scar up and it will forever show that I loved him. I’m not sure anymore. 

That hurts.

 How do you forgive someone who’s broken your heart into tiny shards so many times. Someone who only looks at you with anger, hate, resentment.

Did I really turn him into this monster? Am I the one who has done this to him? How can he hate me so much? If only I knew what I did. What I did to deserve this anger and hate.

My mom screwed me up. I’m damaged goods. I will never ever have a normal relationship. I’ll forever drown my sorrows in food because if I’m eating I don’t have to think.

I’m a pig.

And I’ll always find myself in emotionally, verbally abusive situations. I’m not worth much more than that.

When I was younger I was always the fat girl. I found myself daydreaming about taking a knife and cutting away the layers of fat and skin until I could be a stick figure like the rest of the girls. I have never been beautiful. I’m disgustingly fat and although it doesn’t slow me down physically (yet) it damages me emotionally. People often stare at me. I wish I could just say to them I can’t help it! I wish I could stop it.

I wish he didn’t treat me the way he did. It just stresses me out to the point of eating away the pain. He doesn’t see the link.

He doesn’t see what his anger towards me does. He doesn’t see how my body is crying out for him to stop. But he won’t. He’s to angry.

and i’m to weak.