Another entry

Another entry into a diary that no one will read, but I don’t really mind that to be honest. For me. I think this is more about getting my feelings out somewhere telling my story in some way. Although to call it a story feels kind of vain but like I’m bigging myself up but it’s not that.

So I had a difficult few days with my feelings and trying and failing to communicate to A.

What ended up happening was I got quite tearful at work yesterday (just us in the office) and that was awkward. Then we watched something in our own homes separately in the evening and he rang after that to talk about what we’d watched which then escalated into talking about what I was struggling, with my perception of him just being generally less excited by me and us and why.

I think he was going to get quite defensive (which is what men, in my experience, do I think). He started saying there’s been quite a lot going on for both of us individually in the last couple of weeks… I kind of said, do you think that the big things that have been happening for me for more than the last two weeks, for the last 3 months plus, will have had an impact on the way that I have been able to manage how I feel our relationship is changing?

I don’t really remember what happened after that but I spilled my whole little heart out, about trying to do the right thing and be a strong person and keep it together as a as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter, as a partner, as a co-parent and still work and crack on and just get on with life and deal with s*** that comes up and it all came pouring out.

He asked me if I’d spoken to anyone about this? I was like “well, who the f*** am I going to talk to you about it? Like literally who do I have to talk about this stuff to? I didn’t even want to tell you” and I think it it really changed his perspective on where I was coming from.

It wasn’t coming from a place of tantrums and just just you know being a demanding person but genuinely struggling with the things and having to hold everything together.

It’s difficult because my natural inclination is to play it down because it really you know isn’t bad in comparison to a lot of things. But you know the kind of things that I would tell patients around, it’s not about other people’s experiences. This is about yours and you and how you’re feeling and you can’t compare that sort of thing because people are so different.

Trying to think about that for myself is really challenging and we talked about some other stuff as well that was like a little bit deeper and the reasons why I didn’t feel like I could tell him what I need, wanting him just to to want the same things and to give those same things with me telling him.  Understanding that he isn’t psychic and telling him what I need and him providing that doesn’t mean that he’s only doing it because I’ve asked for it, because actually he wants to do what I need. He wants to provide the things I need. That was reassuring but it still creates so much doubt.

It’s hard to be a person.