Life- written….again

Wow…. ::takes a look around::

I have not been here in about 8 years. Glad to see a lot of stuff has remained the same.

So why am I here? Why do I feel the need to start posting in a journal when I write for blogs elsewhere?

Simple. I want and need to be heard. I need to vent and I need to learn how to work through issues by writing and not by pushing people away. I need a place that I can come to, to vent and discuss things. And I just didn’t want to do it in a basic blog. I wanted to come back here, to where so many people had helped me in the past.

That’s my big fault. I am so terrified of people seeing the "real me" and hating it. I don’t know why. Not even people really.

Mostly, it’s my bf.

He is not perfect. As a matter of fact, he can be a total jerk. But I just spent the last couple of months telling him we need to break up and start dating others, and he has finally started to listen and NOW… I am starting to rethink things?What the heck is my problem!!

We have had so many small issues that were never resolved that have mounted into huge unavoidable issues, that I can’t get past them. I am so full of anger it is not even funny anymore. And instead of talking, I push people away…I push him away.

I have to figure out what I want in life. So maybe, writing them down will help. Maybe not, who knows. I really, really think I got a personality disorder. I am going to be looking into this a lot more.

So, hello again open diary…. It’s nice to be back.