4 Pillars

I don’t know what is going on with me.  I may be depressed.   Most likely it is due to lack of exercise…  That always makes me feel better, but I am healing from  a groin injury I suffered in a soccer game a few weeks back… so maybe I’ll be better once I can start moving again.  I’m having a hard time with a lot of things lately.  In short they are as follows:
1) relationship
2) the passing of time
3) my personality
4) the destruction of the world

So I will try to expand on these 4 as best I can.

My relationship is weird with D… or am I just weird and she goes along with it?  I know I can’t live with her.  I like a level of control, structure and order to my life.  She prefers to fly by the seat of her pants.  The world is a mess and if there is anything I can keep organized and structured, it has to be where I live.  I’m not a neat freak, but things have their place.  I don’t just dump things anywhere.  But that’s not all.  We get along fine, I mean we would have to if we have lasted 14 years together.  I just find she complains about the issues in her life but does nothing to even attempt to solve them.  I like to solve problems.  I have attempted to help her in anyway I can, but this usually leads to us both being frustrated.  I don’t want to always be the one who has to take care of everything all the time.  I’ve told her this… but maybe it’s just not in her?  I would just like if she would initiate things on her own sometime… So what do you do?  Just take it?  Accept that is who she is and deal with it?  Or leave her and say “it sucks, but it is what it is”?  I’ve been struggling with this very thought for years.  I can’t come to a final verdict.  It’s more difficult because we have a beautiful daughter together.

Second issue…. the passing of time.  The last 10 years have gone by so quickly.  I think maybe because I am seeing things though my daughter now, and realizing just how short childhood is… when I was a kid it seemed like eternity…. I don’t understand, how I am 41 years old.  In another 20 I will be 60… how can this be?  It seems just like yesterday I was turning 20… my 20’s were a blast.  my 30’s were a blur of being busy from morning till night. In 9 months I’ll be 42… and absolutely nothing has happened with the pandemic and all.  Essentially living the same day over and over.

Third; My personality.  In the last few years I have been really digging into my personality.  Who I am, how I think, how others perceive me and all that stuff.  With the pandemic and becoming sober, I realized I don’t really have any friends.  I have acquaintances, but nobody I can really talk to.  I can’t really even talk to D because if I want to talk about what is bothering me, she takes it personally, when really it is just me trying to sort though my thoughts.   At the same time.  I am a loner, I really enjoy being alone and I just don’t “get” hanging out with people.  I need somebody to talk to from time to time, but it is not nearly as much as others like to talk.. For example… for me to maintain a friendship with somebody I can talk to them twice a month and feel good.  Whereas the majority of people in this world need to talk twice a week, otherwise they drift apart and the friendship fails.  (no science to that, just an example) So it is natural for me to not maintain friendships to other’s expectations.  Hence, no friends.  I don’t really care to meet new people… because I find most people boring.  I don’t like to talk about people.  I don’t like to just “be” hanging out… I need to do something and frankly, most people like doing boring things.  So I get lost in my head a lot, thinking of possibilities, scenarios, the future, high level ideas and concepts.  I don’t care about your story to the grocery store.

Fourth; The destruction of the world.  This may be my isolation talking but I really feel that society is crumbling.  Things are no longer getting better.  People are overly sensitive about things.  They can’t handle criticism in the slightest and are offended by anything that doesn’t fit their mold.  All this noise about equality and crap, is really just pushing division.  Identity politics are toxic and are doing the exact opposite of what they set out to accomplish.

I don’t think the world can be saved from an environmental perspective.  I’ve been hearing about this shit since I was a kid in the 80’s… nothing was done.  Nothing will continue to be done.  The people in power are too power and greedy to get anything done.  That is why all the politicians set these lofty goals that are 20-30-50 years out.  They can signal to the masses that they are getting things done and that they care about the important issues, but don’t actually do shit.   They take all the credit but when it comes time for the bill… somebody else is left holding the bag.  I’ve seen it before, and I’m sure I will see it again.  Humans LOVE to go on about how advanced and smart we are… but really we are idiots.  Make these multi-billion dollar corporations pay for the destruction they are causing with over packaging, raping the earth, and pretty much not giving a shit about anything except raising profits.  Hint:  None of this matters if we don’t even have a planet to live on, idiots.

I think we are heading for some kind of dystopian society where everybody is addicted to some kind of advanced social network…. there has been talk about “the metaverse” imagine, a VR world where you can essentially live in it… live an alter life to the miserable pointless existence we really have on the planet we can no longer enjoy because we have killed it… and it has become one giant desert.  We farm in giant green houses, we live in tiny boxes that are interconnected and we spend our days with VR headsets on to mask reality.   Or maybe we are already doing that?  What if this is all just a simulation and our dreams are the “real world” but it is so distorted we can only piece parts of it together when we “wake”?