Day 102
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am having this fight within myself for days now. A part of me says “Go ahead and have a beer while out with the guys.” Another part of me says; “Don’t drink, all that work will go to waste.” I don’t want to drink to get drunk or to get wasted. I just want to have a beer to have a beer. I don’t want to have a problem, I want to be “normal” and be able to go out and have a drink and be fine with it. I think I can do that, many times I went out and moderated… but at the same time I don’t want to go out thinking I can moderate and not be able to. Also, now that I have made contact with Nicole, I don’t want to have a drink and break the little bit of trust I have left with her.
It was beautiful the other day, I went out with Janine and Tracy and sat on a patio for lunch. I have always had a crush on Tracy, she is so cute. As we sat there I realized this was the first time Tracy and I had been around each other when not drinking. Tracy is a friend of Janine’s so I don’t see her very often, unless it is a “big night” like going to a club or somebody’s birthday. Anyway… I’m rambling. The point was, I went out for lunch on a patio and didn’t have beer, even though the weather so called for an ice cold beer. I had ice tea and it was just as enjoyable.
I guess one of my worries is that people are starting to see me as “boring”. I don’t think I have changed at all personality wise. I’m just not as wild and chotic when it comes to social events because I am not drinking and out of control. While out for lunch (before Tracy came out) Janine asked me “So are you never going to drink again?” and I said “I don’t know, but as of right now I am fine not having anything to drink. I was just sick of the chaos associated with drinking and not being able to remember things that happened, so I quit.” she said to me; “But that is half the fun. You have you’re whole life to live a straight edge life. Drinking generates good stories to tell your grandchildren. Your 20’s are suppose to be patchy with memories.” I said; “If you call those ‘good’ stories. But I don’t think I will be telling my grand kids about the time I puked off of a 20 story balcony.”
I know I will continue to chug along and not drink as I have been doing… but I almost feel “lonely” like I am not one of the group anymore. I don’t know if that makes sense to an outside mind.
Kim (my roommate) and I are moving July 1 to Thornhill. I think it is a good move, the beginning of a new chapter in my life if you will. Perhaps I will meet some new people there that will help me get over this hump. There aren’t really too many people left in my life that I would like to stay in touch with. Krystal I guess is one of them, even though we haven’t talked since the phone convesation about the wedding a week or so ago. Nicole, I want to get back with her, I can’t get over my attraction towards her. There is something about her that I admire and I feel she is attracted to me for the exact opposite reasons. I admire her because she is such a “home body” she is so “straight edge” and is fine with it. I think she is attracted to how I am such a social person and my sense of humour. I also think she likes my positive outlook on life. I think she feels I counter act her somewhat negative outlook towards work. I guess the saying holds true; “Opposites attract.” I am going to call her tomorrow, and ask her out for this weekend, perhaps for dinner, a movie or mini-putt or something like that. Who knows if she will accept, but I would rather find out if our surprise meeting was just a one time thing, than to sit around wondering.
Well today is 102 days since my quit.
Music of the Moment: Queens of the Stone Age – This Lullaby
Today I Feel: Worried.