Day 26

Well I woke up to a surprise this evening.  Krystal called me, I haven’t talked to her in a good 5 months.  We chatted on the phone for about 30 minutes then I asked her what she was up to tonight.  She said nothing so I asked if she wanted to go out.  I drove to her new place and she showed me around, then we went out to Swiss Chalet and chatted.  I think I can finally and truly mean it when I say; I am not attracted to her anymore.  A part of me always will love our time togeather when we were going out, but I don’t think her and I would work anymore.  I guess that is life.  All I can think about is Nicole.  I talked to Krystal about that situation, and she told me Nicole will talk to me again, she is just testing me to see that I am really serious about quitting and to show that she won’t put up with it.  She will see that I have changed and I am looking forward.  Drinking just doesn’t seem appealing to me anymore.  Yes, I have only been sober 26 days, but a lot has happened in those 26 days, I have really thought hard about it.  It just doesn’t fit in my mold of what I want my life to be about.

All I can do is remain positive and if Nicole chooses to not speak to me again, it is her loss.  Why?  Well I am striving to better myself, to make myself more complete and rid the posions in my life.  If she thinks that isn’t worth sticking around, well I can’t help her because I don’t know what she wants out of a relationship.

I feel better than ever without alcohol, I am 14 days away from it being 100% out of my system.  I read somewhere the body completely recycles all liquids in the body in 40 day intervals.  So by March 30th, my body will be free of all toxins.  I don’t think I could ever go back to drinking, it just seems like a silly thing to do.  Whenever I did it, there was always something I felt bad about the next day.  Being sober, I am 100% me, not being controlled by anything else.  I won’t say stupid things I don’t mean, I won’t act in irrational ways, I won’t feel horrible the next day.  It is just better to stay away from it completely.

I haven’t been thinking about drinking really.  Even though with Nicole not talking to me it has made me feel “a drink would  help me relax” however, when I stopped and thought about it, it would only make the situation worse.  If being alone in this battle hasn’t caused me to drink, I think I can take on anything with more time under my belt.   I will give Nicole a call next week, I will be at 4 1/2 weeks, that has got to be enough time for her to see I am serious about this.  I hope anyway… I miss her so much.  I didn’t realize how attracted to her I am.  Kind of like the saying “You don’t know what you have until it is gone”.  The longer I am away from Nicole the more I want to be with her.  I think about her everyday.  What is she doing, is she thinking of me?  Does she miss me?  Is she waiting for me to call?

Yesterday I felt like total ass, I was beating myself up again.  How if I didn’t drink that night, Nicole would be still with me, I would be at a month 1/2 sober.  I am so afraid that I screwed up something really special by drinking.  But today I thought about it on a more clear conscience and I thought.  If I didn’t drink that night, I wouldn’t have that night to look back at and  show me how destructive drinking can be to my life.  I have also thought, if Nicole can’t forgive me after nearly 5 weeks of being sober, than do I really want to be with somebody who can’t forgive and forget?  Nobody is perfect.

Today is Day 26.

Music of the Moment:  The Beatles – Lady Madonna
Today I Feel:  Like I am finally growing up.