Day 4

All today I have been having a mental battle with myself.
“You can’t do it, you will drink again.”
“Yes I can do it, I know I can.”
“But what about all those good times, they are all surrounded with alcohol, that is what makes them good.”
“I can have the same fun without drinks, I did it before, I can do it now.”
“No you can’t, you were younger then, you still had that excitement in life.  You need alcohol or some sort of mind altering substance to spice life up now.”
“Lots of people go through life without any of that stuff.”
“Sure they do, but look at them, they are all boring stiffs, do you want to be boring?”
“Of course not, but I can be different than them, I have personality.”
“What’s wrong with just having one drink?”
“You know you can’t just have one drink, you can, but once that craving starts it is there until you get something.”

Anyway, you get the picture, stuff like this has been going through my head all day.  It’s not that I was getting “drunk” every day, but I was well on my way to being that way.  I was drinking usually about 2 pints a day and was getting completely sloshed proabably once, twice a week.  The only reason I wasn’t getting drunk on those other days is because I had other commitments, such as working or an appointment.

I just wish I was normal, and could go out with friends and have one drink and be content with that, and not always hoping that somebody else says “Do you want to have another?” or have this feeling like that one drink wasn’t good enough. I like the feeling but at the same time I hate it.

Right now I really want a beer, why not?  Just one… but one is never just “one”.  Deep breath.

Music of the Moment: Dave Ralph – Tranceport
Today I Feel: Struggling