Racing

I can’t sleep.  My sleep habits have been messed up lately.  I have been getting up at 2pm… or later.  While going to bed at 4am or so.  I just can’t sleep at night, my mind races whenever I close my eyes.  I see her… I think of our times, and wonder will she ever see us in the same light again?  I think of my dad selling the house and how the clock is ticking for me to move out.  Yet I don’t have a fulltime job… I am almost done school, but he is putting the house up before I will be finished.  I can just feel the stress.  It all comes down to money.  Why does the world have to revolve around money?  Why can’t people just give to everybody?  I provide a service, that along the way will help you… while you provide something that will help me at one point or another.  I hate how money seperates people.. Money is the root of all evil today.  (go Pink floyd referance!)

I have dated a good number of girls since HER, yet none have compared.  It only reinforces my gut feeling that she is the one.  It makes me feel so good inside, yet at the same time slowly destroys me like cancer.  Fuck… that’s all I can think of to express my frustration… “FUCK”.  Damn that feels good.  FUCK.

I sit here staring at a blank sceen and my glass of milk.  I don’t know what to do.  Nobody has made me ever feel so complete, so happy… yet at the same time so alone.  I try to forget about her, but when I date others, I just see how great we really were togeather.  We never had akward moments, we never had nothing to talk about…We always enjoyed each others company, and never got sick of each other being around.  She thinks the same, she asked me last time we met.  She said “Psychoactive, when we first started dating, did we ever have akward moments?”  I said “No, with you I never felt that way, it always just seemed natural, do you think we did?”  “No, that’s the thing… I always felt comfortable around you, right from our first date.”

God, why am I rambling about her?!  It is hopeless.  If I am like this after every significant relationship, I should just become a monk or something and swear to chasistisy for the rest of my life.  It is just to painful.

I honestly think that Dr. Hook was right  “She was to young to fall in love… and I was to young to know.  Why did I give my heart so fast, it will never happen again.”

On a side note, when I do fall asleep… lately I have been having dreams of my teeth falling out… well not falling out, but being loose.  You know when you lost your baby teeth, and you could move around with your tongue and feel the root?  Well this is what happens in my dream.  What could it mean?

Music of the Moment: Silence… my mind is too cluttered.
Today I Feel:  Overwhelmed.