To be delivered by Pony Express
Dear Man Who Holds My Heart,
I care for you very much; I sincerely hope you understand this and take it to heart. Please don’t take my affection lightly, and don’t try to find a reason for it. I have spent countless hours in self-reflection, and I can’t begin to form an explanation. If you figure it out, great – let me know.
Whether you accept my devotion or not has always been (and will continue to be) your choice, but regardless of the outcome of that decision my wish for you is a life lived with satisfaction and a heart full of profound joy.
But as much as I care for you, you don’t treat me like someone you care about at all. It’s no secret that healthy relationships are built on respect and consideration for one another. Your silence does not leave me feeling respected, nor does it demonstrate consideration for me.
Every time you withdraw like this my ridiculous insecurities come out in full force. No matter your reasons it feels like it’s because of something I’ve done, although it’s really all on you. You’re not “protecting” me with your lack of communication, you are effectively feeding my tendency to overthink and eventually go down rabbit holes that have unimaginable depth.
While it may be easier on you to engage your stubbornness and go radio silent than it is to dig deep and honestly tell me what’s going on, I need for you to understand how much this silence affects me. As difficult as it is to have hard conversations, this lack of consideration for my emotional well-being is hurtful; I am left feeling devalued and disregarded.
This lack of empathy is reflective of someone who doesn’t find my affection valuable.
It is my personal mantra, and I won’t force you to acknowledge this, but I am certainly worthy of love and respect. All I can do is continue my dedication to living my own values, embrace those who recognize my worth and quietly, patiently walk away from those who aren’t in the same space.
Demanding respect from others does not work; commanding respect does. My actions will remain respectable, and I will continue to hold myself to this higher standard so that those I choose to interact with inherently understand the true person I am.
I’m not sure how to close this letter. I have no expectations, but I will say that whatever your response is (or is not) will speak volumes.
Warm Regards from a Cold State,
The Woman Running Out of Patience
Ah, RWS, you and I are “twins” in this area. However, I am the male, and my partner, who is female, has the same tendency: there are times when she will withdraw and be uncommunicative, which frustrates me as well.
Over the 14 months we have been together, I had to learn this about my be-loved lover: there are times when she needs to withdraw and “heal” alone. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, because I had been conditioned to believe that if we were really in love, I would be the only person who could help her.
I slowly had to learn that this was all an illusion: my love and lover wasn’t withdrawing from me for anything I did, but withdrawing because this was a lifelong habit that I could not change. As the months went by, instead of getting upset and insulted, I learned how to endure and support her. Instead of anger, I responded with restraint and support for her when she “emerged.”
It worked: over time, she began to trust me more and more, because she knew I would give her the space to retreat from the world and attend to herself. I know this will always be necessary for her, and those periods have become shorter.
My advice is this: support your partner while he’s “away,” and welcome him back with open arms when he “returns.” In the meantime, go out with friends (or make some new ones), take some walks, pursue a hobby…..
@ravdiablo He isn’t “away”, he is intentionally excluding me from his life. This letter won’t ever be sent, it’s just me processing and preparing to say goodbye.
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Oh, you know I could’ve written this myself. Especially the part about the unimaginable depths of the rabbit holes, but really all of it. I am drawn to the avoidant types, and I’ve got work to do because the ones who aren’t avoidant tend to annoy me. I guess, “I wouldn’t want to be a part of a club that would have me as a member,” or however, it goes.
I hope you find some peace and clarity. It’s on the horizon. Here’s to brighter days ahead — whatever they look like.
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This is very well written … these are all “I” statements rather than “you” statements. I applaud your having sorted your feelings out & having found your truth. I don’t suppose this was an easy thing to write, and I hope the person it’s written to responds as openly and truthfully as you have.
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Wow, this is so well written, I could use it as my own. This feels like most women I know and their counterparts.
I have missed you! so glad to see you writing!
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