Hello Void

Hi,

I’ve never written a diary before, but recently my head has been feeling like a bucket of water that reached capacity a long time ago. I don’t have opinions on politics or food prices. I don’t care about who said what or how the earth will look in 50 years. I just need to empty my head to relieve this pressure. So here goes nothing.

I don’t know why I decided to do this publicly, I’ve never been one for attention. I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 18 and spent the past one alone in a park with a cigarette. But that’s how I like it. It’s not that I don’t have people, or that I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I just feel like ‘important’ moments are something I have to face alone. Maybe I’m secretly a narcissist, or maybe it’s just a primal urge to be heard that’s driving me to make this public. Oh well, that’s a level of introspection that usually does me more harm than good.

So person of the internet void, what do you need to know about me? I’m a younger guy, 24 to be exact. I’ve been in a losing war with my mind for as long as I can remember and I guess I just realised I want to be heard. To cut straight to the point, I’ve been lonely. I don’t know for how long really. maybe since my last break up, maybe my entire life. It doesn’t usually weigh on me, actually that’s not true. It weighs on me heavily, like a new cinderblock is stacked on my shoulders each day. And I know my loneliness is my fault. I have family and friends who care and would love for me to open up to them. But that level of vulnerability is a weakness I wasn’t taught how to show. I’ve never been good at opening up, but I’m great at pretending. Peeling back just enough layers to keep people satisfied but not enough that the real me peeks through. I guess it scares me to be that open. I don’t know what would be worse, the people I care about to not understand me, or that they do and they don’t like who I really am. I’m safer talking to you void person, you can judge me all you like and my life remains the same.

Anyway, that’s my first entry. It brings me some comfort knowing someone could read this.

Thanks void person.