And that is that

Of course I was nervous. But at the same time I anticipated that which was very necessary. I KNEW that once I saw him in person again, I could move on. Perhaps we could both move on…

Leading up to Jemima’s bday party I had a few weeks to ponder on the fact that I would be seeing him again. This helped to mentally prepare me to doing so.
It was wonderful to see him again. Just to see him.. in the flesh.. Just to see him again. I am not innocent of still holding a special place in my heart for him. I think that he will fill that place for a very long time.
I immediately spotted him as I headed down towards the back of the house. But soon enough I was distracted with Jemima’s greeting. I busied myself with big smiles and big cuddles for her, and gave her the gift I had for her. And then I was thankful that Benji had spotted me and I walked over to him and hugged him in greeting, as is my usual way. Kelly was busy on the phone and while I waited and small-talked with Benji, I glanced over at Andy who was sitting on a chair – not preoccupied with anything. I noticed he had an empty cup in his hands;  he kept rolling it around in his hands, staring at it, lost in some form of seriousness of the moment. I glanced over at him quite a few times, hoping we would catch glances and share a polite acknowledgement of our previous friendship and nothing more. But he kept focussing on the cup in his hands, or staring straight ahead.. almost as though he was angry.
I was baffled. Confused. I couldn’t work out why he was taking such a stance. It didn’t so much hurt, which I found to be a very good thing. But it certainly disappointed me. I had thought of him differently.. I had expected a certain level of maturity when it came to our being in each others’ physical proximity again.. but there was none on his behalf. Deity was baffled too-  she could not believe his reaction to the situation.
As time went on, I made it clear, with my body language and movement about the place, that at least *I* was comfortable. I put on my usual air of confidence. I wasn’t going to allow the bit of nervousness I felt to consume me – I wasn’t there for him, I was there for Jemima. I didn’t want to feel like I should hide, or like I had anything to be ashamed of.
And so it was that at times I walked right past him.. and I kept a happy and friendly demeanour about me as I took photos, sat down and talked to a few different people. His mother greeted me like usual, but it was very very awkward when the first thing she said to me was, “Have you spoken to Andrew? I mean, Andy?” I replied with a casual, “Yeah yeah, I know he’s around. Yeah, I know him as Andy.” It was a silly response, but she really did catch me by surprise. She’s just so very proud of her son who is a “Spanish Teacher” : ) *so cute* She is so proud of him, and so she should be. Like she said later on, indeed he is a very good son.
As time went on, it seemed as though he became comfortable with the situation – with MY comfort? – and I noticed that we sat near each other once, with barely 2m between us. Another time, towards the end of the party, he stood diagonally across from where I was sitting – no people between us. He stood there, as though watching his surroundings, with a can of Coke in his hands. He then moved closer to the centre of the marquee, still standing on the outside edges, but closer in proximity to me. Eventually, he stood directly across from me – directly facing me, although not looking at me. I wonder if perhaps he was trying to gather the courage to actually approach me for some conversation? I will never know. His aunty joined him for some conversation though.. and soon enough I stood up to join Deity under the house behind us.
Finally, I was saying my goodbyes to Benji. I took the liberty to engage in comfortable (and comfortably loud) conversation with Benji and their friends, Jodie and her partner. Then Kelly joined us. Then Deity joined us. AND THEN Elizabeth (Kelly and Andy’s Mum) joined us. Again she asked if we had had the chance to talk to Andy in Spanish? (I tell you, she is VERY proud of her Spanish-speaking son! Lol) At which point, both me and Deity uncomfortably murmured and mumbled something or other, and it became clear that neither of us had spoken to Andy. So Elizabeth then persuades Deity particularly to go talk to him.
Deity was clearly uncomfortable about the situation – I mean, this is the guy her sister has fallen deeply for, this is the guy who has eliminated her favourite sister out of his life so callously, this is the guy she KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT… Of course, she found herself in a situation where she had to “play the role”… because it’s all such a secret of course.. Because how were ANY of the people present to know any better?
So she walked up to him and said, “Asi que tu hablas Espanol?” And he responded in ENGLISH and said, “A little bit”. At which point Deity realised that “he wasn’t going to play the game” and she small-talked confidently for a few moments with him and the Aunt in English.
To me, it seemed like a forever piece of time. I stood there, with a big smile of amusement in my face, just watching him. Watching him smile his huge beautiful smile, watching him put on his shyness, watching him be nervous, shifting from one foot to the other. At one point, he actually looked up at me, looked me steady in the eye.. It was possibly the nano-est of a second.. but it seemed a long time to me.. He smiled his shy smile.. the one he always reserved for me, especially when we were joking and flirting.. And promptly lowered his eyelids down to the ground.. As though his eyes, and his body, had given away too much already.
I relished in this tiniest of interaction with him. I relished in it because it was SOMETHING. I don’t know how I would have dealt had I had to drive away from that place, and not had ONE inkling as to where he stood.. other than his complete rejection of me. I would have driven away hating him.. I would have driven away feeling very very sad.. I would not have been right. I know I wouldn’t have.
Instead, the tiniest fraction of eye contact was enough to tell me many things – enough to tell me that he does not despise me; enough to tell me that, if anything, he has probably had a hard time to move on too.
*sigh*
I had told Deity earlier in the morning, that if for whatever reason Andy wasn’t going to be there, I would be disappointed due to the fact that seeing him again would “give me closure” and allow me to move on.
I have to admit now, that I’m not sure “closure” is the right word. The word “closure” in this situation invokes that I would close my heart altogether regarding him.. That I would never think of him in that way again.. That I would never think of him at all again…
And yet I don’t feel that way at all… I don’t feel that I am at a point of closing my heart at all… As mentioned earlier, he will probably hold that place in my heart for a long time. In saying that, a lot of other people have also held special places in my heart (Joshy… Mick…)
Rather, I am ready to acknowledge that he certainly seems fine; that he continues to be the one I fell in love with – there is no ugliness in him; that Life has moved on – I am having a child now… And equally, he continues to thrive in his chosen field of Spanish and to travel the world… (Elizabeth told me he went to Spain over Xmas and New Years, almost as part of the curriculum for Spanish Teachers.. imagine that..) And I am so happy for him, and proud of him…
The fantasy of making love with him will probably continue… The fantasy of having him back in my life one day will probably also continue… But I understand that they are JUST fantasies and will remain so for as long as we both continue on our chosen paths…
And that is that.