Shams

August 9, 2022

Second of July : When emotions need to get out

I need to get them out. All those feelings. I need them out of my system.

I can not speak them because no one is ready to hear them.

So I will write for no one to read.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that you won’t talk to me once you are back. I am afraid that if you do, it will be to tell me that we need to distance from each other. I am afraid of loosing you. I am afraid and at the same time so certain that it will happen. I always knew that it would end like this. There is no surprise here. Just sadness and a broken heart.

I feel stupid for letting myself fall in love. I should have known better. I should have known to not go against the odds. There was a tiny chance that for once life wouldn’t be so harsh with me. That for once I would be allowed to enjoy a blue sky in the middle of the storm. Even when the clouds started closing in, I still hoped that a miracle would let at least a small piece of sky visible. What a childish and naive hope.

Now the time has come to let go, rest my head on my knees, close my eyes and never look up again. There is nothing to see. Just black clouds and sometimes the illusion of a better future. I am tired of illusions and false hopes. So no more.

Never again.

[Here You is V. V and I met a year and a half ago. V has a girlfriend abroad. Their relationship was shaky but he loves her. Few months before this entry she told him that she wanted their relationship to be open. He was not very excited by the idea, but they were considering it, discussing it. Then V and I fell in love. We never had sex or even kissed. He needed to talk with her first. So he did. She felt cheated on. For her an open relationship was about superficial and meaningless sex. For him it was about emotional and meaningful love. They did not break up, but he told me that we needed to stay friends for now. “For Now”. Those tow words destroyed me. They gave me hope. He nourished this hope by sharing with me the doubts he had about his relationship. Every time he was going to see her, I hoped he would come back and kiss me and I was afraid he would come back to cut me of his life. Hope and fear… ]

I think about you all the time.

I picture your smile. Feel your touch. I see your lips. I dive into your eyes. I miss your hugs.

I miss your hugs so much.

I wonder if you would like this or that song. I wonder if you would like to go here or there with me. I wonder what s your opinion on that or this matter.

I hear your voice. I hear you singing, laughing. I hear you saying “I love you”.

I look at the sky and wish you where with me looking at it too.

Then I remember that with me you will never be…

[You=V]

I dreamt about you the other night.

We were together, walking along a beach. It was night and the sky was full of stars. The sea was fluorescent blue. It was peaceful and I was happy. Then you kissed me. Finally, we had our first kiss. A magical moment.

But well… It was just a dream.

And a dream is all I’ll ever have…

[Again, You = V …]

My dear V,

I want you to know how I feel but I am so emotionally exhausted that i don’t have the strength to just tell you. So I am writing to you. A bit old fashion and cliché, I know…

First, I want you to read this without any anxiety. I’m not taking any decision or asking anyone to take any decision or to change anything. I just want to express what I have in my heart.

I have been thinking about what you said the other day, “she hates you because she considers that you do not respect her and her limits”. It’s been spinning in my head again and again.

You know, since you told her about our feelings, I have been thinking about her a lot. I worry about her, I wonder how she is doing, I hope and pray that she will heal from all this pain. And I try to convince myself that I am doing everything I can to make it easier on her.

But the truth is that she is right. I am not respecting her limits. Giving her the time and space she needs to heal would means that you and I stop being friends, at least for a while.

I know very well how much it hurts to feel cheated on. I know how it can drive one crazy to know that your loved one is spending time with this exact person they cheated on you with. And i am that person who is causing her that much pain. That makes me feel so guilty, so wrong. If I had never been in the picture then she wouldn’t be suffering that much…

So you know, i wondered if the best solution isn’t to just remove myself from the picture. It would hurt me deeply to not have you in my life, but well, I have been hurt so many times I guess I can survive one more.

But then I imagine myself telling you that we won’t talk or see each other anymore and I see the sadness in your eyes. And i can not stand it for one moment. The idea of making you sad is already inconceivable for me.

I love you. Truly and deeply. I want you to be happy. I want to see this beautiful smile of yours and hear your amazing laugh. I wish I could take you by the hand and go see what wonders this world hides. Just get away to a happy place.

Cheesy, I know. But you bring me such a feeling of peace just by being you. Just seeing you brings me so much happiness. Talking with you, listening to your stories, hearing you sing, all these little moments we spend together gives me hope for a brighter future. You’re such a wonderful soul that more I know you and more I love you.

I wish I didn’t bring you that much drama in return …

I have the feeling that whatever the outcome is, you will be sad… Wether you lose her or me, you will be sad. And right now she is the one hurting the most. The only way we could all be happy would be a polyamorous dynamic. But that’s just an impossible dream … In the end I am the one who is causing the most pain. I am the bad guy of this story. I am the other girl who destroyed everything…

I am sorry V. I am sorry for everything.

I will stay by your side as long as you want me to. If one day you decide that saving your relationship is more important than keeping our friendship then I will hug you good bye and leave. But this is your decision to take. I won’t take it for you. I know how much you hate choosing, and i think you kind of avoided doing so for now, but one day not choosing will become a choice by it self…

I know that you said multiple times that you won’t break our friendship, but i have learned the hard way to not fully believe any promises. Something that is true today can simply change tomorrow.

[I actually let him read this letter. He did not really know how to answer. He told me that I was very honest with my feelings… He said that he would never stop being my friend because he never cut a friendship. Then he said that he needed to make a choice, either stay with his girlfriend or not. And he did not know what he wanted at the time. Actually he wanted it all. Her and I. And he would not let go of her if he wasn’t sure that it was the best decision. He never ended up being sure about either options…]

I always do my best to make people around me happy. Whenever I can, I’ll go this extra mile to get them to smile. I never expect anything in return because just seeing this smile on their face is already enough for me.

I wonder why don’t I do the same for myself?

Can’t I, for once, just for once, be selfish and get myself a little moment of happiness? Not even of happiness, just a little moment of peace…

I have been hurt so many times. By my family, my boyfriend and now even my friend. Sometimes it was intentional and some times I was just the collateral damage. Just the consequence of them choosing their happiness and me accepting that it was more important than mine. Them being happy was more important than me not suffering.

Can I go on like this? I do not really think so… I am way too broken. So what to do? Put my own wellbeing as a priority? Knowing that they may be my collateral damage. I can not do that neither. I love them all way too much.

At the end, that is the real problem. I love them way too much. I have opened my heart to them. And I trusted them to not damage it. A trust that have been betrayed by many of them already. What about the others? Will they hurt me too? And what about all those new people that I may meet in the future? Will they hurt me more?

“I trust them until they show themselves not trust worthy”. I have always lived based on this value. It leads me to deception, pain and misery.

It is time to change. It is time to close the doors. I want to be alone. Safe by my one where no one can hurt me anymore.

Ten years of hoping.

Hoping for a happiness that never came.

Hoping for a wedding, a family, kids.

Hoping for a love as unconditional as mine.

Hoping for happiness.

Ten years.

I can bearly realize. I have tried so much to change. To be good enough. To be patient. To be understanding. To accept everything.

But it was never enough. I am not enough. I have never been and will never be. Neither for him or anyone else.

He was right.

I do not make him happy, and I can not make anyone happy.

He was right…

[He = H. H is my ex-boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend. My first love. My first everything. We stayed together for 10 years . I broke up with him 3 months ago after a fitgh were he told be a bunch of hurtful statement that just completely broke me. Among them “You do not make me happy, and you can not make anyone happy” “I do not love you anymore I love a memory of you” “You will never be what I expect” “You have changed, when I met you, you were not like this, you were not depressed” … After the breakup, I realized that I was in an emotionaly abusive relationship… 10 years …]

He was my best friend. the first person I would turn to in every circumstances. Wether it was good or bad I would share it with him.

He was my family. Whenever I needed anything, he was there for me. And I was for him.

He was my everything.

I looked up to him; I missed him, I wanted so bad to be with him.

I wanted him to be happy. I tried to do everything I could to make him happy.

He was my light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever I was lost and desperate he was my hope.

He was my anchor to life.

And then I lost him.

[He = H ]