it would hurt too much to watch you die

god, it’s been months since i’ve written anything at all. shit has been so messsed up and fucked up lately though. I’m not gonna go into detail about a lot of shit because I dont really have time..and it would just take too much emotionally energy to have to relive it all, if you know what I mean.

I’m not with Timmy anymore. He cheated on me with my cousin when he was all fucked up on drugs(not an excuse, just the truth) and we tried to work things out. Things were okay for awhile, but got real bad and then he cheated on me again in July when I was at the beach with this girl Amanda when he was drunk(not an excuse again) and so things were fucked up for a really long time, we tried to work things out and they were okay, but then I cheated on him when I was drunk(still not an excuse) & we just broke up. Me and Timmy didnt try to work things out, I guess he just couldn’t forgive me, but then we ended up hanging out a lot and things were really great. We fought for awhile at the beginning but then things got better and we would just hang out. Kiss and Cuddle, it was amazing, he even said so. But after awhile, it all just faded out and I havent talked to him in like a week, so I dont know whats going on.

I’m dating someone new. His name is Evan and he’s 18..lives about 20 minutes from me. It’s my friend Matt’s cousin. Me and Cait went to Matt’s house one night to hang out, and Cait was supposed to be hooking up with Evan, but we all got drunk and I ended up hooking up with Evan and Cait with Matt. That’s the night that I cheated on Timmy. Things are going really well. We spent the rest of the summer together pretty much everyday, and now we spend weekends together and 2-3 days a week because of the driving distance. I really really care for him a lot, He’s a great guy.

My friend Ben committed suicide on the 14th of September. He hung himself. I’m still really fucked up over the whole thing and it’s really hard to deal with. I was with him that night. I was at Puns house w/ Evan and Ben and we were all hanging out. Ben was fine..He was joking around about seeing me naked, and he was fucking around with Evan and Pun..Taryn came and went with Ben, Ben and Taryn came back and picked me up, Ben was still joking around and shit. Taryn took me home, I told Ben i’d see him tomorrow and he said Yeah, and then he went inside. At 11 something that night, he did. No one really knows why for sure. I think it was the years of Drug Abuse that built up over time and the depression he was suffering from. His mom had hung herself around the same time last year, & he was having horrible nightmares about it. The last person he talked to was Jamie, his ex girlfriend, and she told him that she never wanted to talk to him again…but they always fought and shit, so it wasnt like she meant it. I dont know. It’s horrible and I miss the fuck outta him. <3 Benjamin Deaver III <3

School started..and it sucks. hah, imagine that. I hate it. I’m actucally skipping today ;/ I was already late to school 2 times already, and if we’re late a 3rd time, we get detention, which really isn’t that big of a deal, but I’ve never gotten detention before, and its something that I’m really proud of, as lame as that sounds, and I dont wanna get one, so yeah. I came home with my neighbor, who is skipping too 😀 dorks ;x and I guess we’re gonna go to the Penn state campus to look up research for our bio final paper, even though I already have like 50 pages of informaton, hah. Oh well.

I guess that’s all thats new ;/ I’m gonna start writing more, so I hope that everyone that reads this will come back and start reading again! haha <3 Kristy