was it something i did? was it something you said?

I’ve been hanging out with Curt a lot lately. He’s my best friend, and I love it, but yet theres a part of me that wishes there was more. I dont know. I’m confused about what to think about him. He was at my house on Monday..and we definitely made out a whole hell of a lot, and I loved it, but yeah. We were laying on my bed kissing and the phone rang, so I went to go get it and it was someone for my mom, so I gave it to her and went back into my room and Curt was standing up and he goes “Kristay, you’re gonna FLIP” and I was like uhh and he goes “LISTEN” so I listened and i heard a vibrating sound, so I checked my cell phone, thinking maybe it was Evan because he had just recently called and flipped out, so then hes like “Its not your cell phone” and I was like “oh..Oh..OHH” and he goes “its okay, its better than a guy, haha, It was my vibrator. So yeah, to make a long story short, I got it out and we were looking at it and shit, because I never used it, so it wasnt that embarrassing, and I dont think it would be either.  I mean, I love this kid to death, He’s my best friend. It was funny, i guess you had to be there…

I havent really talked to Timmy much lately and I’m not even sure I want to. I mean, I do, because I love him to death and all that good stuff, but I dont know. I know that things would never, ever, work out between us because I just hold too much stuff against him yet. I guess after I grow up and shit, then maybe. But Right now, I’m just confused. Ive talked to Evan almost everynight and shit, but he’s such a jerk. He calls me one night and is all like “oh come down, i miss you so much, i love you, i want to see you” and the next night he calls me, “I dont wanna talk to you anymore. This relationship isnt going anywhere and I dont love you” and blah blah, and then I cry and get all upset and then we get off the phone and he calls back 2 minutes later to make sure I’m okay. I’m confused about that too.

Another thing I’m confused about is this girl Jillian. Yes, I dont know. Its weird. I fucking love this girl, she’s so amazing, but I’ve never really been attracted to a girl before emotionally. Physically, yeah, sure. But not emotionally. It’s so confusing and shit. I mean, I’m not saying that anything is gonna happen with her and shit, because I dont know how she feels about me and shit, and its prolly nothing more than a friend, but still. It confuses me because I really care about her and I think about her a lot and shit. Shes coming to my house on Friday and we’re hanging out and shit & then she’s spending the night and we’re going to New York on Saturday for the whole day to see some Seinfield thing and to shop and shit. I’m pumped. I’ve partied with Jillian a few times up in KU..and shes so great. I never stop laughing when I’m with her, and we just have a lot of shit in common. I dont know, I just hope that either, these feelings fade or something comes out of it. I’m sick of being fucking hurt.

I got a whole bunch of new pictures & I scanned them and shit, so I’m prolly gonna be a put of them in this entry. I love pictures, they’re like my favorite thing in the world. They mean so much..whether they’re good or bad. They just keep memories and they bring them back. I’ve always loved pictures and shit, but I’m just really starting to get into them. I think that I could have a career in photography, not saying I’m good at photography..but just that I love it. I used to take pictures a lot, but now, I can hardly go anywhere without taking pictures. I need to constantly have a camera with me, I dont know if its because I hate change and I like to take pictures because I know that sooner or later, everything is going to change and I want to have the pictures to help me keep the memories with me, or what.

I really need to get a job. Mike traded in his car at Barnetts, and I realy wanna buy it. The guy said that he wanted 800 for it, but yeah, there is no way in hell that i’m paying that much because the car isnt worth that much. Lenoard, the guy that lives with us, said that maybe he can get the guy to lower it because his dad used to work there, but I dont know. I guess we’ll see what happens. I said I was going to put pictures in this entry, but it might be next entry because easy designer is being a suckass ;/ its not working and its making me mad, grr. I’m gonna go wash my hair and then maybe if easydesigner isnt sucking, i’ll be back and add pictures (;