Eternal Raining Failure

So it’s raining.

the other day I put up rain diverters for my wife

my wife, I say that like she is the woman I married years ago

she is not

she is my roommate whom a day or two on the weekend after her cycle decides to scratch her itch for the month…

what she calls her “womanly duties”…

she doesn’t desire me…

she doesn’t want my touch…

my embrace…

she shuns my touch…

SO I put up rain diverters for her…

because I am stupid and love her but she forgot me

she does not have time for me

she does not want me anymore

I am just that teenage crush she hooked for life with

So I put the rain diverters and she wanted them so she didn’t get soaked….

It started to rain…

the diverters had leaks…

I raced to close the leaks in the rain on a ladder

So she didn’t get soaked…

she didn’t notice

the rain stopped

and started later on

I checked on the leaks to see if they returned

“Honey, it’s as good as it can get” showing off my effort of love…

she cut it down and complained…

a broken man stood their his heart in his hand…

she didn’t care about it…

it wasn’t good enough…

I retreat into the office and fansite about my ends

I can feel the sight of the chrome barrel-scraping the roof of my mouth

I can feed the itchy fibers around my neck

I can smell the plastic of the bag

I can taste the pill slipping down my throat

I don’t know why she says I love you…

I don’t know why she loves me…

I think of my children…

I think of my end…

I think of my past…

I cry inside…

I feel every failure…

and relive them every day…

she reminds me…

how she works so much…

so hard every day…

how much her students love her…

how much her school loves her…

how much she is worth…

I drink to forget…

I drink to hurt my self…

I drink to go back…

back to where I was wanted…

when I was desired…

when I was alive…

I am sad…

I am cold…

I am a failure…

I am dead inside…

I drink to kill my pain…

I just want it to all end…