My crying shirt.

I made it to 260 today! (Just wanted to to that before the skies darken)

    I have my crying shirt on….I just realized it…every time I wear this lime green t-shirt…I have a huge need to cry uncontrollably…as long as Im wearing it. Wonder what it reminds me of. I wont get rid of it tho…I like to cry..its like a purging for me. The pain is too unbearable unless I can cry it out. I keep thinking of getting a HUGE black blanket to wrap my entire self up in…and just staying there and never moving.

    Well its Saturday. Im trying myself to be civil to John and Im not really sure where this anger is stemming from. I think I’m angriest at myself for allowing my life to become what it is and what I am. Im really starting to see how immature and irresponsible he is and that hes always been this way…maybe I thought I could change all that. He will never change…I know that now….there are some things that I suspect but I cant say yet…I do know that while I care about him…I do not love him. There is no passion at all….its as if we’ve been together 30 years rather than 7. He is not the man that he pretended to be when we first met. I know now that he’s used me as a means to get to where he is and he’s lied to me. But I dont want to get into all of that right now….another time.  Noah is the one good thing thats come out of this.

    I am trying my hardest to make myself a priority now but its very hard to break old habits….for so long…as long as I can remember, I’ve done for everyone else…cooking, cleaning, soccer, band, numerous other school functions & sports…I dont even remember who I am and what I like to do. I feel black, hateful and bitter inside.

    *I wonder if crying burns calories*

   Went to Leslies soccer game this morning…sat in my car the whole game so I didnt have to chit chat with the “sideline, camp chair, soccer moms”, I have nothing in common with these people. Im not happy being like them.

   John & Noah are at a movie and Jess & Les are at their Dads for the weekend…so I can sit here and cry in peace *yay*

   Im going to go out in a bit and burn tons of trash from my bedroom….for the next year I’m going to throw myself into cleaning and de-cluttering my house on the weekends…it will keep me busy so I dont have to think about John or do a lot with him..thank God he works nights during the week. I hope I can find a years worth of cleaning. If you’re wondering what I plan on doing in a year…..I dont know….Ill worry about that when it gets here…if I live that long.

   I was invited to a basket bingo (whatever that is) for tomorrow afternoon but with Christmas coming and trying to save and pay bills…I dont think I want to go. Next Friday night , theres a big bonfire party from work and if Sue goes…Ill have Jess watch Noah and Ill go with her. We’ll see.

   I got up at 6am and walked for 40 minutes this morning….felt good to be out there in the cold, alone with the sun barely rising….and Linkin Park blasting on my headphones. LOL

   Better go get my trash burned before he gets home and wonders how the hell I ever did that all by myself.

     Ciao