12/7/04

so now that i am thoroughly sure than you all think i am insane (which, to be honest would be correct)…  weird things happened to me yesterday… the worst part was, when it started, it was like i immediately left my body and watched myself do all these stupid and self-destructive things…  i couldn’t stop.

needless to say i snapped.  i freaked out.  i hide it well, but if anyone had paid closer attention they would have noticed that i was not alright.  however, i’m glad no one noticed.

i couldn’t stop pacing…  at rehearsal last night i stood in the back row because i was afraid of what would happen if i had sat down.  i tried to just keep moving, try to take my mind off of what was going on inside… it didn’t work.  i got home and just walked around the house… basically in circles.  i wrote an entry (which you probably read…) and then walked some more.  couldn’t take it anymore so i grabbed my fleece and headed outside.  i just walked, i didn’t care where to.  it didn’t occur to me until i was a ways from the house that i was only wearing shorts and a t-shirt…  when i got finally got home, the temp was 37 degrees.  no wonder my legs were red.  lol

but to be honest, it felt good.  the stinging felt real. the first thing all day to do so.  i know understand why people cut themselves.  i could never bring myself to do that however, i am too much of a wuss.  but now i understand. 

to be honest, i’m not sure i actually slept last night.  i remember laying in bed and looking up at the ceiling, my clock ticking in the background.  i remember playing chess at one point (xbox), got stomped by the computer the first time, then i just pounded the hell out of ever other character i faced.  i don’t think i’ve ever played that well (and to be perfectly honest, i don’t think i ever will again).  i think when i was playing i actually stopped thinking for abit (at least, about that).

Albeit, it didn’t last.  felt tired, lay down again… still can’t sleep.  i was going to find another game to play, but didn’t for awhile.  then halo2 came to mind.  i don’t know how much you all know about halo2… there is a difficulty setting, the max of which is called legendary.  now, i’ve played this with a friend and we got nowhere… it was so hard that i didn’t think it would be possible to ever beat it!  i’m not a huge junky or anything, i don’t play for hours on end, and to be perfectly honest i really only like playing with large groups of people.

well, i turned it to legendary (fully prepared to get my ass beaten all over the place… which i kind of wanted), and proceeded to kick the living shit out of the first two levels!  color me surprised.

anyway… this entry is really stupid… i’m sorry for my actions.  and thank you for all your wonderful notes.  (esp urban, covered, butterfly, haunted, within & bent.)  thank you.

now, i’m gonna disappear for awhile… but i’ll be back.  not sure how long though.

au revoir – noah