Airports and Bach

i wrote this while in the detroit airport this morning…

Airports and Bach

As I sit in this foreign, yet local terminal… Wheeled luggage clattering across the tiled floor, people clamoring above the din of assistance carts whizzing by and announcements calling overhead.

The cacophony of sound is almost too much.  You see, I haven’t slept yet, and I sit in a busy airport trying to blend in with the crowds, trying to appear as if nothing were wrong.  Pretending that the thousands of pieces of my heart beating in my chest aren’t racing, or giving away my real emotions.

As the noise grows louder I shut my eyes, trying to drown it with my thoughts, but the thoughts are almost worse than being alone while surrounded by hundreds of people.  Quickly I pull out my zune and headphones.  I pinch the rubbery foam of the earbuds between my fingers,  preping them to enter my ears and fill my head with the echos of music…

But what music could I listen to that won’t cause my excess of emotions to overflow?  I search frantically through my music looking for just the right thing. 

Prelude from Bach’s Cello Suite

As the bow slid over the strings I opened my eyes and suddenly the world around me had become a ballet.  Everyone moving fluidly, gracefully.  It was as if they could all hear this piece of music that rang in my ears.  The din… the commotion… it had all become silent, but the movement.  The movement was beautiful as I watched these people talk to each other, move to and fro, a wonderful syncronized dance that the world participated in, or at least, the part I could see.

I have tried to blot out so much of the world, hide my pain… hide my scattered and broken thoughts that so many people care about, but that the one I wanted to care doesn’t.  In covering myself from the world I was missing the ballet.  Yes, I am broken and shattered.  I am only pieces of myself at the moment, but unless I pick up the pieces I will stay that way.  I and I deserve much better than that.  I may not always remember it, but I have a lot to give, even if I will never get it back.

I’m not going to remember this tomorrow, or the next day.  But hopefully this reminder will keep me from jumping off the edge I perch so precariously on.