All by myself… (edit)

so, i’m guessing from some of the notes in my last entry that i haven’t written about my *cough* lack of… ehm… masturbation.

i will start out by saying… i’ve tried.  its not like i’ve never done it at all.  and periodically i try (when i think i can’t take any more stimuli and i feel like i’m about to implode).  its just, everytime i’ve tried, i don’t get anywhere.  its taken me years to figure this out.  originally i thought i was just messed up, and something was seriously wrong with me…  but then i had sex.

i quickly realised that sex isn’t about me.  its about the other person.  pleasing my partner is my top priority.  (thus why i don’t particularly like receiving oral gratification, but love giving it…  it’s also the reason the first 6 months of having sex was a nightmare.  my ex couldn’t let go, and so i could never fully please her.  it was awful.  when i finally gave her an orgasm it was one of the best days of my life!)

i’m weird, i know.  and believe me, i’d rather be able to masturbate.  it’d make things alot easier.  it’s not that i think masturbation is gross, or that its stupid… its that i don’t find it pleasureable and when i try, any erection i had is quick in disappearing.

anyway, believe me, don’t believe me.  its up to you.  i don’t care.  just remember one thing… if you wonder why i am as perverted as i am… (which some of you don’t know) now you know why.  lol

give me questions, or thoughts on it.  i’d love to hear reactions.

– noah

— (edit) —

so i have nothing to do at work.  i realise also that i say this alot.  today more so than most though.  this morning was pretty busy, but its slowed down.  my co-worker (not my boss) left early today, and of course my boss is on vacation still.  so, without them giving me things to do, i really don’t have all that much to do.  i feel kind of stupid in this little cubical, sitting here… doing nothing.  of course, I can’t leave because if an order needs to be taken off hold, i’m the only one in the building that knows how (i love the smell of power…) jk.

when it really comes down to it, i’m here, “just in case”.  i can’t work on any accounts right now because east coast is closed…  so i’m stuck more or less.  bummer.

anyway, i have nothing to talk about.  any idea?  *waits*  we’ll you’re no help. 

i have been thinking about sex WAY too much.  (mighty: here’s that perverted side i was talking about).  i read a diary today that explained what she was going to do when she saw her bf next.  HOT!!!  almost too much to bear. 

actually… one of my best friends has this really bad habit of doing the most evil thing possible to me.  when ever we’re arguing or making fun of each other, the equalizer, my kryptonite if you will, will be when she leans over close to my ear, and moans softly, or she’ll pretend to go to kiss me and do that little moan.

and i stop.  i hate when she does that because no matter what, i’m stuck!  my body just decides to go tense and i can’t move or think.  i have no defense against this!  IT’S NOT FAIR!

but it’s also really funny.  i hate when she does it… but i think inwardly i wish i could hear the real thing from her… maybe thats why i get so worked up about it.  that moan is so dirty… so sexy.  so HOT!  it makes me want to grab her and just fuck her right there!  *sigh*  (sorry for the language… when you go 3 years without sex, or the previously mentioned topic, you get alittle irritable.)

something i didn’t mention earlier is how much of a pain in the ass it is to not be able to masturbate… got some unfortunate side effects. 

anyway…  i think that might be it… for awhile.

– noah