Ambivilant about recovery

I feel so torn, so divided. I find that sometimes during the day, I find myself feeling ok about myself and thinking that I deserve to eat. But just as fast as that thought comes, I hear that Voice tell me, not yet, you haven’t reached your goal yet, wait a bit longer. I feel so frustrated because everyday I am telling myself "If I can hold out and not eat tonight, then I will allow myself to indulge more tomorrow". But that tomorrow never seems to come. I want to just relax, to eat normal and not think about food 24/7. I want this hell to end. But the doctors words keep holding me back, "I can lose weight if I don’t eat and I will lose it". I for some stupide reason want to show this idiot doctor that I am powerful and in control, that I can control my urge, my desire to eat. Each day I make it through with eating very little feels successful. Each day I eat too much feels wasted.

Another problem I am facing is that everytime I think about allowing myself to eat, I can never decide what the hell I want to do. Do I want to read, watch a movie, read a different book, work on this or that. But when I am restricting it’s all the easier because it doesn’t matter anymore what I do, so long as I am not eating. Then I rationalize at least I am getting something done and succeeding at losing weight. I am less bombarded with anxiety and confusion about what to do when I don’t eat. I don’t get it. Why can’t I just make up my damn mind about what the hell I want to do? Why don’t I know what the heck I do enjoy doing? It would make me decision making a heck of a lot easier. ARGH> Tonight I am debating on watching part of "Twilight" but not sure if I want to cuz I don’t know if I want to watch it if I can’t eat but then again, not sure if I want to watch it if I do eat cuz then I might eat too much and spend the whole movie feeling bad, guilty, anxious, wasted. But if I watch it and eat, it might be fun. But can that be? Can I do something so normal and not worry about all those damn calories that seem to add up so damn fast? I don’t think so.

Another thing that is really getting annoying is the pain I am feeling in my body. Everytime I sit to put Tahir for a nap, my tailbone hurts so so bad I can hardly sit still. It’s like it’s bruised or something. And now my one leg hurts when I stand up or walk, like it might give out on me. I think that might just be because we went bowling and walking today and I was on my feet lots. I don’t know. I have also been having this weird feeling in my ears, like sometimes a buzzing, other times it’s almost like a pressure (sort of like I can’t hear as clearly like when you get off a plane). My eyes sometimes seem blurry. I am even thinking of going to get my eyes checked again to see if my vision is worse as I do wear glasses. I feel all these bad things, yet I don’t think I am sick, i dont think I am that thin. I am barely in the double digits and I am not that tall so I am not that skinny. When will I ever look at myself and see the truth?

So, everyone in my family does now know that my ED is back. I am honest about it. But the bad thing about being honest about it is that it actually makes it easier to restrict more. I feel like I don’t have to hide how little I eat anymore because I can just tell them that I feel to bad and anxious if I eat too much and that I might have more later. I feel more accepted but by being more accepted (with my ED), it makes it much easier to be stuck in my ED. I hate this. Everything seems so damn hopeless. I just want to stop this, for it all to end. I want to be happy, to enjoy my life and my kids and be a great, terrific mom and wife. I want to not worry all the time about everything, about what might happen. I want to be free to be me, whoever that me is. I feel so trapped and so alone. I feel so lost. How will I ever find my way outta here?