If Today Were The Last

What if today were the last? How many regrets would I have? How many joyful moments would I have missed? Would it really matter that I never reached my perfect weight? Would all my efforts to control my weight even matter? I don’t think so. How many things am I missing out on right now? My eating disorder is controlling my life. I am missing out on moments each and everyday with my constant obsession over food. Even when I do do fun things, go places, spend time with my kids, I am never really THERE…. My thoughts are always elsewhere, on food, my weight. It makes me sad to think that I am sacrificing joy, peace and happiness to fuel my ED. I want to be there with my kids, really be there. I want to hold them and hug them and tell them I love them. I want to spend time playing with them, really playing with all my heart in it. I want to be spontaneous and fun. I want to be a good role model for my kids. I want to enjoy each and every moment that I have on this earth because you never really know when today will be your last. What if something were to happen to me, or even my kids. Would I have regrets. YES…..If something were to happen, I would feel awful that I gave my ED all my attention rather than my kids. I would regret all the time spent thinking about food and weight and calories. I would regret all the missed moments I could have spent being with my kids, watching them grow, playing with them. I would regret all those precious moments that I withdrew myself from for fear of having to eat or being around food. I love my kids more than life itself. They are my world, my reason for change, my reason for living and for hope. Yes, God is also my eternal hope but I believe he blessed me with my children to help me grow, to help me see life in it’s true colors, to help me change and learn to love myself. 

I am writing this because I was sitting and reflecting on life and wondering what would happen if I died. Would my weight really matter. Would my life have been worth it. My answers to these questions are no. I need to realize that life is short, so short. Time goes by so fast and before I know it my kids will be grown and gone. Do I really want to look back on my life as a parent and see emptiness, isolation, fear. No. I want to look back and see joy, happiness, peace, fun, love. I want my kids to have a mom as long as possible. But not just any mom, a good mom, a great mom, a mom who loves them and is willing to fight for them, who is willing to sacrifice my pursuit of "thiness" for them. I know this is a uphill battle and the road will be bumpy. But as a look at the picture of my kids on my computer screen, my heart melts and I am overwhelmed with my love for them. I know recovery will not happen overnight and that it will take time. I know recovery will be hard and I will have setbacks. I know I won’t recover "perfectly". I know I won’t eat "perfectly". But maybe, just maybe, I can try a little harder, work a little harder and maybe soon I will start to love myself, start to experience joy and peace and happiness, even if only for a moment.

I am not saying that I still don’t want to lose weight, because my ED says I do. I am sure I will wake up tomorrow and start restricting. But I think I have finally realized that this path, this ED only leads to one place, DEATH. How far can I go before my body says, ENOUGH. I don’t know the answer to that question but I don’t want to find out either. I will try. I will do my best. I will take baby steps. UGH. Just thinking of change scares me. Right now I am scared just thinking of gaining weight. But I must remember my kids. My kids need me, they deserve to have a mom, not just any mom but a loving mom.  A mom who nurtures and shows them what it’s like to live joyfully. I want peace. I will work on fighting this damn disease. I will be a survivor. I will fight and fight and fight some more. I will get back up when the Voice knocks me down. With God anything is possible. I want to be happy.