Losing it

So, I can honestly say I am losing my mind. I feel horrible now most of the time. I lack energy and enthusiasm. I desire nothing. I have no joy, no peace. Each day is the same. Try to suffer through until the kids go to bed and then suffer until I go to bed. I hate this. I am eating way less, exercising more and feeling worse. Today when I was walking it felt like my knees were going to give out and much of the time I feel like I can’t breathe and my chest gets this tight feeling. I hate it. It seems an effort just to talk sometimes. I don’t know what to do. How can I change and be ok. I know if I just decide to eat, I will eat and then once I am feeling more energy will vow to restrict again and lose what I just gained by eating. So, that doesn’t seem like the solution. I gotta get my head around this before it kills me. HOW???? I don’t know

I am seeing my counsellor in about 2 hours, thank GOD. However, not sure that will do anything. At least I can vent my frustrations. I am so scared, so alone. The harder part is that my hubby is rarely home. Like last night I was going to have a soft taco that I had made the previous night and then my hubby goes and takes Amira to the mall to eat. So I couldn’t bring myself to eat if it was only mean. I saw no reason and knew if i did I would feel guilty because I ate when I didn’t have to. He also goes out almost everynight. So i am pretty much alone most of the time. I don’t feel as guilty eating if he is here and I feel like I have to eat. But seeing as he’s rarely here, I rarely get to eat…