Physically Losing it

So, I think my ED is really getting out of hand now. I feel like most of the time I am not even here. It’s hard to explain. I feel like I drift in and out of reality, like the world and everything around me is hazy and sometimes confusing. My eyes have been doing something weird, like I see everything blurry or something. Today, when we were walking in the mall my fingertips felt numb and a bit tingly. I felt like I needed to close my eyes, I was so exhausted. I am not doing good at all.

I met with my therapist on Friday and he said now that I am in the "red zone" he is really worried and we can no longer work on "therapy" my past and stuff but that he will still see me. So not sure what therapy will consist of then. He says that I either need to shift my goal of 89-90lbs to 100-105lbs or else be forced into recovery, whatever that means. He suggested again going to St. Paul’s Hospital in Vancouver but I said no as I don’t want to leave my kids. I also don’t want to take meds, so I think he is lost as to what to do with me. I see him again on Wednesday so we’ll see how that goes. He just kept telling me he’s worried that I might collapse or something while out with my kids and then the ministry will be involved and we will have that to work through. I told him I don’t think I will pass out, it has never happened to me before. Although, this is the sickest I have been with my ED ever. I wish I could just stop and live normally. But anytime I see food, I feel this intense inner rage. It’s horrible. My OCD is also way way outta control and so are my tics from my Tourrettes. My mind is never at rest and I am finding it increasingly hard to decide on what to do at night. I feel extremely restless and out of sorts.

I was driving back from the mall today, and for the first time, I felt scared. It was like I was in a daze, almost like a stoned feeling. I was scared that I might crash or something. Speaking of driving I have to see my family doctor on Thursday to get those forms filled out to see if I am still physically and mentally able to drive. I have to do this every couple of years, I think because of my psych history. I am scared he will take one look at me and say I can’t drive. That would be horrible.

I have to admit though, I am so far gone, I can’t even see that I am sick. My other sister came over today and she was like, "Wow, you look good" "You’re so skinny" then "What are you doing". She was shocked. My other sister told me today that she wrote in to the Dr. Phil show for me. I told her even if they called I probably wouldn’t go on. I did write into the show once before and got a call from the producers to be on the show but by then I had changed my mind. They actually called me twice to be on the show. But I didn’t really want everyone to know how bad I am. It wasn’t ED related. Not sure why I even wrote in, I wasn’t really expecting a call. Anyways, I am not sure what to do with myself. I see the  ED GP on April 17th so I am curious as to what he will say to me.

I still haven’t got my period. I know that means my body is too thin, but still I don’t believe it nor see it. I went over to my friend’s today and she took some pics of my body and I looked at them. But to me, I didn’t look any different than any other thin girl out there. In fact my upper arms looked huge. I wonder what I will see when I look at those pics when I am healthy. It will be interesting to find out.

So, my husband’s parents are coming here for sure in May. I am panicking, cleaning everything and making lists of what to do before they get here. I am not really excited about it cuz I do like my space and with them here I won’t be getting much of that. Luckily I have a rocking chair, TV, VCR in my bedroom so I can put my son to sleep in there at night and for his naps and hideaway in there sometimes too. I am registering my daughter in soccer, which starts in May, and then also gymnastics or swimming after that. I am trying to find things that will be keeping me busy. Hope it helps. On the upside of their visit, I will once again be forced into recovery as I am sure they will be shoving food down my throat. Should be interesting to see how I deal with this. Not sure yet. 

Anyways, my weight is sorta steady. I am usually around 98-99lbs and sometimes at 97lbs. Still I want to get to 95lbs before my doctor visit and then to 90lbs after that and maybe to 89lbs and then I think I will be ok. YEAH RIGHT! I know that I will never be ok. I need a miracle. I am thinking about going to church tomorrow but afraid people will look at me and see a bad mom, a weak person and a horrible Christian. I am tempted to go to the pastor and ask him to pray for me right there after church. But I am just too scared. Scared of what they might say or think. Plus I will have my kids with me so how can he pray for me with them there? Anyways, I am going to go read or do something to keep my mind at ease.

Oh, one last thing. I have this constant nasty taste in my mouth that never goes away. Anyone else ever had this? Not sure what the hell to do about it or why I have it. I try to chew gum to take it away but even that doesn’t work. It’s horrible. I hate it. It’s like the worst taste ever….