So Lost…Can’t seem to find my way back

I am listening to Evenescence’s song "My Immortal" right now. I love this song. It speaks to me somehow. Anyways, I am so lost right now. Today I had such stronge urges to self-harm and I haven’t done that in over 4 yrs now. I just hate myself entirely. I ate again last night after telling myself I wouldn’t. It was like 11pm. I should have just went to bed, but my craving to taste something was so so strong. It was all I could think about. Not sure if I would have even been able to fall asleep had I went to bed as I was wide awake. So that’s 2 nights in a row that i have binged and not purged and I hate myself for it. I literally can’t stand to be in my own skin. I immediately think and feel like a whale. I hate it.

My son was also up all night last night as he just came down with a cold. So I haven’t been getting enough sleep and my mind is about to explode. Several times today I wanted to just scream out loud, really really loud. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!……I have so much anger and resentment inside me and it’s unbearable at times. I feel Iike I never get a break. I feel like my husband doesn’t do enough. I feel like I am a single mom, which I wouldn’t mind, so long as my hubby then wouldn’t come home. I would rather do it alone without him here. Then I would feel ok and not at all resentful. But when he’s here and I do everything while he sits on the computer or watches one of his shows while we’re supposed to be having a family dinner, it irriates and angers me. I hate it.

I am determined to get my weight down to 95lbs and see how I feel then. Even writing this, I know it won’t be enough. Since before I told myself just to get down to 100 and I am already there and that’s no longer acceptable. But we’ll see. I can’t seem to lose too fast and it’s so so annoying. I still haven’t gotten my period which scares me a bit. But I don’t think I can be prego as I haven’t had sex with my hubby in over a month…Since before Valentines Day. Wow, that’s horrible. I feel bad writing that. My poor man. That kinda also makes me feel sad. Look what my ED is doing to me. I can no longer do anything normal anymore. I exist in my own living hell on earth. I was going to buy a pregnancy test today howerver, but didn’t. Can’t imagine what I would do even if I was prego…YIKES>..I am finding 2 kids a handful, can’t imagine another one.

Today I didn’t eat anything (guilt from last night’s binge) until dinner. I made a homemade whole wheat, ground beef pizza with olives and i had one slice for dinner. I got up from the table cuz Tahir was so cranky and I told my hubby I had lost my appetite. I can’t stand to eat while he is screaming in my ear. NOISE SEEMS TO REALLY SET ME OFF AND BOTHERS ME A LOT>….I don’t like loud or sudden noises for some reason. So here I am tonight. My hubby went out, thank goodness. Now I can be alone with my ED. I am hoping and praying that I don’t give in and eat. I have been telling myself that instead of binging tonight, why not save those calories and eat some popcorn while watching a movie with my daughter tomorrow. That way, I get to eat and have a bit more energy during the day when my kids need me. Makes sense. So I will try that. I deserve to suffer tonight, I deserve an empty stomach. I am such a fucking pig. I even ate oreo cookies that my hubby bought yesterday. He did it on purpose cuz he knows i love junk food and sweets. I told him I would throw them out and he nearly freaked. LOL. Anyways, they tasted really good. I hid them deep in the cupboard though, hoping to put them out of my mind…Obviously not working as I am sitting here writing about those damn cookies. LOL…Anyways, I am going to go read for a bit before Tahir wakes up for the 3rd time tonight since putting him to bed.