Therapy Update
So I saw my therapist on Monday and it went well. He has decided to try a new approach to my treatment by looking into my past as he hasn’t done that before. He told me that he believes I never got a chance to find out who I am and what I like in the past and that if I can do that now with him, then most of my problems will be gone as I will know who I am and start to like myself. I kind of agree as I know I don’t have a clue of who I am or what I like. Most of the time I am doing things, I am not even sure if I like them or not, but I just do it. It’s weird.
When we started to talk about my real mom, who left me when I was 3 (I still talk to her and love her lots), I started to cry. I wasn’t even sure why. It was weird. We talked a bit about my stepmom and our relationship, which wasn’t good but rather verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I see him again next Friday. He still wants me to think about going on meds because he thinks it will help my OCD and I had told him I am not sure I can wait until I discover who I am to get better. I feel like I might lose it by then. But still, I don’t think I will go on any meds. I hate meds, bad experience before and I am terrified of the side effects and possibly gaining weight on them.
So last night I kinda binged. First on just fruit, cream of wheat and bran flakes, so I got a lot of fiber in there. Then my hubby was home so I decided to watch a movie and make popcorn so I ate all that. Then I had about 7 homemade brownies that i had in the freezer. It was gross and my stomach was so bloated and I felt so sick, but nonetheless I felt I had to eat just one more. I didn’t purge. However, I couldn’t live with the fact of how piggish I was last night and what I weighed this morning so today I just had my 40 cal yogurt for breakfast, then a homemade soft taco for dinner. Earlier in the day I walked downtown and came back (pushing the stroller). On the way home it is all uphill so that was good. I felt a bit hungry when I was out which I was glad for cuz by the time I got home I didn’t feel so hungry and was more determined not to eat. I just kept telling myself I was allowed to eat if I got really bad feeling and that lifted my spirits and put me in a good mood and I played lots with my kids. I was happy bout that. And I didn’t eat either. YAY….I will just keep telling myself that everyday, cuz it seems to make not eating easier. Anyways, gotta go put my daughter to bed. Hope you all are well….
I totally know what you mean about being scared of going on meds. I’m scared of the weight gain as well, plus I’ve been on SO many different meds in my life and the side effects are hard to deal with sometimes. There were ones that made me hallucinate really badly and that was pretty scary. However, if you feel like you’re losing it and you’re never happy anymore, why not give them a try? It’s
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(c) just a matter of finding the right meds for your body. You’re worth it. You deserve to feel better than this and your kids deserve a happy mommy.
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not purging is HUGE start. good job. 🙂 And I went on zoloft to help with my “anxiety” during those eating disordered years, and it REALLY affected my mood in a great way. I didn’t obsess so much. I felt calmer, relax, colors were brighter, I was happier, and I wasn’t so “on edge” all the time like I had been for a year. It’s an incredibly mild drug in the scheme of all drugs.
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I just got off prozac but had been on and off it for many years. Prozac did not make me gain weight whatsoever. I even maintained a low weight while on it. So it really depends on your body, sounds like though, you dont have a problem losing weight. I doubt you will have any trouble at all <3 btw ive heard of people losing weight on meds. not everyone is the same. Try them, you will be happier!
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(cont) plus you probably wont even be on a very high dose so i wouldnt worry so much on the side effects. When they say weight gain, its not a constand gain for the rest of your life either. You just gain like an initial few pounds then your done, and those can come off too be careful and do what you think is best for you deep down <3
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Hi, thanks for your note it was really kind. Have you tried CBT therepy? CBT is often used to help people with eating dissorders challenge the negetive thought patterns that drive EDs (eg. “I failed at my work assessment, I dont deserve to eat, I’m a horrible fat person etc etc.) I was sceptical but it did aid my last recovery attempt. I stayed recovered for 6 months which is a huge achievmentfor me. Meds are difficult and I understand your reluctance to take them. I think a lot of people relly on a “magic pill” that can make everything better, but they’re really just there to give you support while you and your therepist work through difficult things. I understand that meds aren’t what you want now, but don’t rule them out entirely yeah? Perhaps later down the line they might help you to gain the strength (in the short term) to work towards your long term goals in therepy. I really hope this change in direction can lead to a healthier direction in life. You’re a beautiful, loving, caring person who deserves her health and happiness. Try not to forget that yeah? Take care of yourself Xxxxx
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Maybe try a med that does not have a side effect of weight gain. You can always go off. It doesn’t hurt to try. It might just work. You deserve to be happy.
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a lot of the meds they give you for the OCD (which in turn helps the ED, cause of the OCD aspect to it) actually let you maintain (or even LOSE) weight! you are just not obsessing over how much you weigh and can eat more normally. i know a couple girls who went on OCD meds FOR their ED, and not only did it help their ED and their obsessing over it, they either effortlessly maintained their weight, or they lost a little.. and no yo-yoing or trying… i mean – it’s worth a shot, worth trying. i’d at least consider it. and i personally hate meds.. but sometimes you need them and sometimes they work.
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